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OLD GROWTH iPHONE FORESTS IN DANGER

OLYMPIA, WA. (SatireWire.com) – Old-growth iPhone forests are in danger of disappearing, according to environmentalists who accuse Apple of recklessly clear-cutting the uniquely adaptable metallic trees.

The iPhone, or mobilis iCogitatio, was once one of the most common trees in North America, outnumbered only by the red maple and the loblolly pine. But since Apple first discovered the leafless timber’s unusual properties – once sapped, it shrinks to handheld size – the company has harvested more than one billion of the majestic species. With sales of 200 million a year, the pace is unsustainable and irresponsible, said Sierra Club Director of Cooptation Sidney Luther.

“Even in ideal conditions, an iPhone takes at least 40 years to mature, so in order to keep the stock flowing, Apple has ruthlessly stripped old-growth forests where iPhones have stood for 300 or 400 years,” said Luther. “Yet last July, Apple had the gall to celebrate its one billionth iPhone sold. They actually celebrated! It’s barbaric. Do you celebrate killing a billion whales or murdering a billion flowers?”

Particularly galling, said Luther, are Apple’s repeated denials that iPhones are a natural resource.

“The company keeps claiming that iPhones are assembled in Chinese factories by underage and poorly paid workers because they don’t want you to know the horrible truth: Apple is harvesting ancient iPhones without regard to the environmental consequences,” he said. “Don’t believe me? Cut one open and count the rings.”

Apple refused to comment on this story, but did strongly advise consumers not to cut open an iPhone as it voids the warranty.

“Oh, of course they’d say that!” Luther responded.

According to the Natural Resources Defense Council, cutting old-growth forests is not just devastating to the trees and the land, but to the coexistent wildlife.

“There are literally hundreds of small and rare animals living in and around the iPhone canopy, including the unicorn, the mini-whale, the kitty tiger, and the yellow-faced smiley,” said NRDC spokesperson Kit Pernow. “People don’t realize that if these creatures can’t escape, they are permanently trapped in the iPhone when it’s sapped and shrunk. Apple, rather cynically, calls them ‘emoji,’ but you should know that when you tap on one, you are essentially punching the corpse of a once-living thing.

“People are awful,” she added.

Despite the fact that Apple will not acknowledge iPhone harvesting exists, activists plan to put up a fight on behalf of both the environment and the consumer.

“Because Apple has been so reckless, one day very soon we’re going to run out of iPhones, and what are we going to do then?” Luther said. “There aren’t any other trees suitable for mobile adaptation. Samsung already tried it, making the Galaxy 7 out of wood, and look what happened.”

© 2016 SatireWire.com

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