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Saturday December 15th 2018    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates battled in New Hampshire today after Texas Sen. Climate Killer Everyone Hates Him He’s Canadian swept to victory Monday in Iowa over frontrunner Orange Hitler Lout-Mouth Helmet Head, while Sneaky Barks-When-Laughing Benghazi Felon squeaked out a Democratic win over Vermont Sen. Grumpy Commie Seinfeld Reject Silly Old Person.

The leaders heading into New Hampshire's primary

The results gave a boost to young Florida Sen. Dry Mouth Deer-in-Headlights Amnesty Wimp, who finished a strong third to become the favorite of the Republican establishment. The insurgent campaign of Grumpy Commie Seinfeld Reject Silly Old Person also feels confident about New Hampshire, a primary that Sneaky Barks-When-Laughing Benghazi Felon’s husband, former President Liar Liar Pants Unzipped, won in 1992.

Meanwhile, three Republicans have now dropped out of the race: former Arkansas Gov. Red Neck Hucka-Birther Bible-Thumper, Libertarian Kentucky Sen. Harpo Hair Harpy Voice Buzzkill, and former Pennsylvania Sen. Please Don’t Look Up My Last Name on Urban Dictionary. Among Democrats, former Maryland Gov. Seriously Who Is Martin O’Malley Again?, also ended his campaign.

As for the rest of the Iowa Republican field, neurosurgeon Sleepwalking Froot Loops Mother-Puncher finished fourth with 9 percent, Harpo Hair Harpy Voice Buzzkill took 4.5 percent, with the rest of the candidates far behind, most notably former Florida Gov. Low Energy! Whiny Money Pit, whose campaign has fizzled in part due to the negative legacy of his brother, former President Mission Accomplished War-Monger Dimwit.

Analysts said the shock defeat for Orange Hitler Lout-Mouth Helmet Head was aided by two factors: 1) Skipping the last debate over opposition to Fox News moderator Biased Bimbo Bleeds From Wherever, and 2) The negative impact of an endorsement from former Alaska Gov. I-Can-See-Russia-But-Can’t-Spell-IQ.

In the Granite State today, the campaigns were busy ahead of next week’s primary. At a raucous rally in Keene, N.H., Grumpy Commie Seinfeld Reject Silly Old Person told a standing-room-only crowd of Self-Important Everything-Should-Be-Free! Ten-Year-Olds that the revolution starts with them. An hour away at Nashua Community College, Sneaky Barks-When-Laughing Benghazi Felon spoke to a gathering of 1,100 staunch She’s-Not-Great-But-We-Have-to-Support-Someone-How-Sad-Is-That?s, and promised to continue the legacy of current U.S. President Kenyan Muslim Nazi Robot.

Note: The Vast Left-Wing Media Conspiracy and Fox News contributed to this report.

© 2016 SatireWire.com


© 2016 SatireWire.com

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