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Sunday April 22nd 2018    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Fearing that President Obama’s executive action on gun control will lead to their guns eventually being taken away, Americans today rushed to buy more guns that will eventually be taken away.

Woman defending her rights

“Gun control is the slippery slope to confiscation, so if they’re going to take my guns, the obvious thing to do is to buy more guns,” said Huntsville, Ala. gun owner Clay Turweil. “That way, when they do take them all away, I’ll have lost more guns than I would have if… um…

“OK look,” he went on, “I spent $700 yesterday on a rifle and a handgun. That’s on top of the $700 in guns I already had. And I did that so now they’ll have to take away twice as many guns and I’ll be out twice as much money… no…

“I need to call the NRA hotline. It makes sense when they say it.”

Obama’s proposal, issued Tuesday, calls for more background checks, ramping up enforcement and equipping guns with safety measures, actions the NRA itself described as, “not really doing anything.” But that hasn’t stopped Americans from stocking up.

On Tuesday morning, shares of gun makers Smith & Wesson and Sturm Ruger jumped, and the last five weeks of 2015 ranked among the 10 biggest weeks ever for firearm background checks. Speaking at a press conference Tuesday, Gun Lives Matter spokesman Trace Blank said the reasons are obvious.

“All citizens need to take action and stockpile guns even if you don’t need them,” said Blank. “Like me personally, I only need two guns, my rifle for hunting and my .38 (caliber) for protection. But I’m going to get 10 guns just in case they take those two. That way I’ll still have eight left.”

Asked if that meant the government wouldn’t actually take “all” his guns, since he’d still have eight, Blank frowned.

“No, everyone knows they’re going to take them all. They’ll take all 10. So if I buy 20…  no wait… Oh, I remember! I’ll hide them! I’ll bury them in the yard! That way, the government won’t get at them, and if I need them – like if a burglar breaks into my house at night – I won’t be able to get at them either… and… no more questions!”

Back in Huntsville, gun owner Clay Turweil warned that no matter how many guns he eventually purchases, he has no intention of giving them up easily.

“I’m going to buy more guns and they’re going to take them all, but believe me, they’re going to do it over my cold, dead body,” he said. “Over my cold, dead, slightly-less-affluent body.”

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