BAGHDAD (SatireWire.com) – With the Middle East hopelessly fractured and America’s allies increasingly indistinguishable from its enemies, the Obama administration today said “Fuck it” and announced U.S. troops in the region will just fight each other for the time being.
“The truth is, we have no idea who the enemy is anymore, so for now we’ve ordered our forces to just shoot at each other until we can figure out which side we’re supposed to be on,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “At least that way half the time we’ll be right, which is better than we’ve been doing lately.”
While the thought of U.S. troops intentionally firing on each other is, “not a pleasant alternative,” Earnest said it makes sense given the situation.
“Look at where things are now,” he said. “Syria, who we oppose, is helping Iraq, who we support, who is fighting ISIS, who we oppose, who got help from Saudi Arabia, who we support, who dislike Iran, who we oppose, who is helping Iraq, who we support, who gets help from Russia, who we oppose, even though they’re friendly with Pakistan, who we support, although they’re helping the Taliban, who we oppose, because they threaten Afghanistan, who we support, even though they like Hamas, who we oppose, who is helping the Syrian rebels, who we support, who are fighting Syra, who we oppose… and it all just starts over again.
“Honestly, just shooting ourselves is a blessing,” he added.
Pentagon spokesman Maj. Bradley Hummels agreed, saying the strategy saves time and energy, if not lives.
“We gave Iran weapons, and they turned against us. We gave Afghani rebels weapons, and they turned against us. We gave Iraq weapons, and they were used against us,” Hummels explained. “Basically, no matter what we do around here, we’ll end up getting shot with our own bullets in the long run, so we might as well cut out the middleman and do it ourselves.”
In Washington, however, the idea of Americans turning on Americans met with strong resistance.
“We don’t send our brave men and women over there to fight each other, we send our brave men and women over there to topple dictatorships and battle extremists and champion democracy,” said Sen. Lindsay Graham, R-SC. “Oh, and also to protect dictatorships and arm extremists and fight against democracy, if, you know, we don’t like who they elected, soooo… yeah. I guess shooting at ourselves makes as much sense as anything else.”
“Never mind,” he added.
State Department spokeswoman Eileen Night, meanwhile, said the plan is consistent with historic U.S. policy in the region.
“In the Middle East, the U.S. is allied with people who are shooting at us, which means that we should also be shooting at us, as a way to support our allies,” she said. “But because we’re shooting at us, that means we’re also allied with our enemies, and because ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend,’ and we’re our own enemy, we are both our enemy’s friend and our friend’s enemy. As such, shooting at ourselves fulfills both obligations. Diplomatically speaking.”
To fulfill that obligation, the Pentagon said the 35,000 U.S. troops now stationed in the Middle East will be split into two opposing groups and take part in “Operation Absolute Ambiguity” until further notice. While he could not be sure how long the operation will last, Major Hummels was definitive when asked whether the U.S. “not fighting at all” was ever considered as an option.
“No, we’re America,” he said. “We have to be shooting at somebody.”
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