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Saturday October 25th 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET

DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – Despite breaking industry records for safety recalls, General Motors this week announced monthly sales continue to rise, leading the nation’s No. 1 automaker to declare that more Americans would rather die in a new GM car than any other car in the world.

Head on down to your local Chevy, Buick, GMC or Cadillac dealer for 'Go Out in Style' Savings

GM sold a market-leading 267,461 U.S. vehicles in June alone, and its yearly sales have surged past 1.5 million. At the same time, the company has recalled a record-smashing 29 million vehicles in 2014, including millions of cars with faulty ignition switches that have been blamed for more than 100 deaths. The conclusion, said company executives, is obvious.

“Numbers don’t lie, and the numbers are very clearly telling us that consumers prefer driving a new GM vehicle to life itself,” said General Motors CEO Mary Barra. “How else to explain that sales are up at the same time safety recalls are through the roof?

“Oh, and accidentally going ‘through the roof’ appears to be a problem with the 2015 Buick Enclave,” she added. “We’re recalling that one.”

Far from damaging its brands, defects are creating sales, said GM marketing vice president Craig Burley.

“With all the recalls, customers are coming back into dealers to get their cars fixed, seeing the new GM models and thinking, ‘Hmm, I could die in an electrical fire in my old Chevy Aveo, or I could die in this brand new Buick with faulty brakes,’” said Burley. “Obviously you choose the new GM. It’s a no brainer, really. In every sense of the term, ‘no brainer.’”

Given the trend, Barra said the company will now encourage dealers to promote recallable defects as factory-installed options during its July ‘Go Out in Style’ sales campaign.

“Right now you can lease a 2014 Chevrolet Corvette with alloy wheels, blind-spot monitors and defective side air bags for only $549 a month,” she said. “Or why not drive away in a new GMC Sierra with navigation, panoramic sunroof and faulty power steering, or a Cadillac CTS with dual exhausts, heated seats and inoperable windshield wipers? With so many options, we expect strong sales won’t stop anytime soon.”

“Oh, and ‘not being able to stop anytime soon’ is also a problem with the 2015 Chevy Silverado,” she added.

No matter which vehicle you choose, Barra promised all models will come with that intoxicating new GM car smell of leather, laminates, and liability.

© 2014 SatireWire.com

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