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Thursday October 23rd 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

NATAL, BRAZIL (SatireWire.com) — After a third biting incident in four years, Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez will be put down, football’s governing body ruled today.

Suarez often jumped up on his own players, but only to lick their faces.

The talented but mercurial soccer player will be sent to a local animal shelter in Natal, Brazil, where FIFA officials say he will be euthanized humanely.

“I know it will be sad for you to see Luis destroyed and it’s sad for us to make the order for destruction, but that’s what regulations require us to do,” said FIFA in a statement.

The decision comes after Uruguay’s World Cup game with Italy on Tuesday, where Suarez bit Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini. Last year, he bit Chelsea defender Branislov Ivanovic, while in 2010, playing for Ajax in Holland, he bit PSV Eindhoven player Otman Bakkal and earned the adorable pet name, “The Cannibal of Ajax.”

Back in Brazil, those who regularly played with Suarez said they will always have fond memories of their diminutive friend.

“For me, I’ll think of the way Luis ran around on those little legs, scampering all over the place,” said Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard. “And how he loved to chase the ball!”

“When he scored he used to jump on up me,” recalled Liverpool’s Daniel Sturridge. “It was so cute the way he’d nuzzle his head in my chest and lick my face. In retrospect, I guess I should have questioned the licking, but he was so happy it seemed natural.”

“Luis was so funny,” added Uruguayan defender Diego Godin. “He did this trick where if you even lightly touched him, he would fall down, roll around on the ground and then play dead.

“Now I guess he won’t be… pretending…” added Godin, fighting back tears.

Liverpool Football Club, which owns Luis, said it regretted the decision but would not appeal.

“Losing Luis is like losing a family member,” said Liverpool owner John Henry. “When we rescued him from Ajax, we really hoped he was past his biting phase. This hurts us as much as it did Chiellini.”

Henry said the hardest part was breaking the news to Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers.

“I told Brendan I would buy him someone to replace Luis, but he kept screaming, ‘I don’t want another striker! I want Luisl!” Henry said.

The owner said things calmed down a bit after he took Rogers out for ice cream.

© 2014 SatireWire.com

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