SOCHI, RUSSIA (SatireWire.com) – In response to endless travel warnings about suicide bombers, separatist plots and potential catastrophe, Xanax today was named the official anti-anxiety medication of the Sochi Winter Olympics.
Concurrent with the move, the Russian Olympic Federation said it will drop the Winter Games’ current slogan – “Hot. Cool. Yours.” – and replace it with, “Take a pill. Enjoy the chill.”
Xanax-maker Pfizer called the partnership one of the most synergistic in product sponsorship history.
“Between the Chechens, the Dagestanis, the jihadi terrorists and the Russian military, Olympic visitors to Sochi will literally be surrounded by hatred, fear, guns and mistrust,” said company spokeswoman Carmela Knox. “Fortunately, they will also be surrounded by the warm envelope of tranquility created when benzodiazepines bind to their gamma-aminobutyric acid receptors.”
The company pledged to work in conjunction with the Russians to make the Games at least seem like a success. Specifically, the Russian government has deployed 100,000 security forces around the city to stop the terrorists, while Pfizer will deploy 60,000 kilograms of Xanax to stop visitors from thinking about them.
“Your chances of being safe and secure will be greatly enhanced by being vigilant and listening to authorities,” advised Olympic committee spokesman Gregori Kolorov. “But your chances of feeling safe and secure will be greatly enhanced by taking 0.5 mg of benzodiazepine three times daily.”
Concern over threats like “black widow” suicide bombers, however, has affected more than just spectators and residents. Many athletes are finding it difficult to focus and have told their families to stay away. Due to the unprecedented the threat, the International Olympic Committee today gave special dispensation to athletes to take the drug, but the results so far have been mixed.
“This morning, in training, our luge teams took Xanax before heading down the hill,” said U.S. Women’s coach Jill Flarity. “They forgot their sleds and just slid down the mountain yelling, “’Weeeeee…!’”
However, the USA men’s ice hockey team reports that all players can now use the open double toilets in public restrooms without a problem.
Copyright © 2013, SatireWire.com