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FAMILY CREDITS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT FOR FEWER “FUCK OFFS” LATELY

PHILADELPHIA (SatireWire.com) — The holiday spirit has worked its wondrous ways on the Joleen family of Philadelphia, who report that since Christmas break began, they’re telling each other to fuck off much less often.

L-R: Marissa, Mom, Donnie, and Dad (Aiden not pictured)

“My husband Richard and I have three teenagers, two from my first marriage and one from his,” explained mother Maria Joleen, 49. “Usually the fuck offs fly thick and fast, in response to anything we say, whether it’s, ‘Good morning sleepyhead’ or ‘What are your plans today?’ or ‘Have you cleaned your room?’ or ‘You haven’t been drinking have you?’ or ‘Where’s the $20 from my wallet?’ or ‘Are you dealing meth out of our house?’”

But right before Christmas, the tone eased off, said Richard, 51.

“Some of that might be that Maria and I have been drinking a good bit – what between all the parties and just trying to deal with the kids being out of school,” he said. “When we drink, we’re more relaxed. Possibly they have been saying ‘fuck off’ just as much and we’re not noticing. But either way you’d have to say Christmas is the reason.”

“I can’t help but think God is playing a role, making us all feel a little warmer toward each other,” added Maria.

The children, 15-year-old Aiden, 16-year-old Marissa, and Donnie, 19, agree they probably have dialed it back.

“I’m back home from college, I sleep late, then go out with my friends,” said Donnie. “So because it’s Christmas, I haven’t really had the opportunity to tell anyone in my family to fuck off.”

“It doesn’t seem right to say fuck off to your parents at this time of year,” said Marissa. “Christmas is about giving, and I know if I give them too much shit, I won’t get what I want. Because they’re assholes.”

But perhaps 15-year-old Aiden has taken the message of Christmas most to heart. He hasn’t told anyone to fuck off, or indeed spoken to anyone in his family, since Christmas Eve, when he locked himself in his room.

“That’s Jesus at work right there,” said Maria.

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