TORONTO (SatireWire.com) – Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford today admitted to smoking crack cocaine “in one of my drunken stupors,” but refused to resign, insisting he has many types of drunken stupors and will not let his “crack cocaine” drunken stupors interfere with his everyday “being mayor” drunken stupors.
Speaking during one of his “impromptu press conference” drunken stupors, Ford, for the first time, confirmed suspicions of drug use seen in a secret videotape.
“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine,” Ford said. “Probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago.” But the Mayor denied lying about crack use in the past, saying reporters had failed to be specific with their questions.
“Before, when you asked if I had tried crack, I thought you meant, ‘Have I tried crack in one of my other drunken stupors, like, say, one my murderous drunken stupors?’ And obviously I hadn’t. I only murder during those.”
Stunned by the revelation, reporters asked Ford if he had ever murdered anyone. The Mayor quickly became annoyed.
“I can’t answer that question, can I?” he said. “I’m not in one of my murderous drunken stupors. I don’t know if I murdered someone. Maybe I did. About a year ago. But I don’t know.”
“Right now I’m in one of my public apology drunken stupors,” he continued. “I don’t murder during those. Obviously. All I can do is apologize and move on.”
Ford then turned on his heels, saying he planned to resume his “regular everyday being mayor” drunken stupors in the morning. “If anyone needs me,” he added, “I’ll be in one of my, ‘sitting alone in my office angrily watching porn” drunken stupors.”
Ford’s admission caused a wellspring of calls for him to step down, but aides say this will not happen unless the Mayor’s adversaries happen to catch him during a “public good” drunken stupor.
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