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NFL PLAYERS MAY FACE HATE CRIMES FOR TARGETING UNIFORM COLOR

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Nearly 700 National Football League players may be charged with federal hate crimes after they purposely attacked and subdued adversaries last weekend based solely on the color of their uniforms.

The FBI has suggested that all NFL teams switch to a periwinkle shade, "because everybody likes periwinkle."

In a statement, the NFL immediately called the charges absurd, arguing players, “need to wear different colors to identify an opponent.” But anti-hate crime groups mocked that explanation.

“Oh, right. They need to use color to identify the opponent,” scoffed Justine Kimbel of the ACLU’s Hate Crimes Task Force. “Just like Jews needed to wear the Star of David during the holocaust. Just like the Ku Klux Klan needed to wear white to separate them from non-whites.”

In all, the FBI identified 698 players, most on defense and special teams, who it says may have violated federal statutes against intolerance during week 2 of the NFL season. In particular, officials said players appearing in “the wrong color,” particularly those carrying or throwing the football, were assaulted and, in numerous cases, “dragged to the ground and smothered.”

“It is quite clear that, on a regular basis, individuals and groups are being attacked for reasons directly related to the color of their attire,” said Jenna Carmichael, special agent in the FBI’s Hate Crimes Division. “Not only is it targeting based on color, but also targeting based on clothing, which is often used as an ethnic and cultural identifier.”

Denver Broncos running back Knowshon Moreno said the accusations should be a wake-up call for his colleagues.

“Every week I get attacked, not because I’m carrying the football, but because I’m orange,” said the fifth-year tailback, whose team wears orange and blue. “Think about it. They don’t attack someone in their color with the football, do they?

“I’m not asking for anything special,” Moreno added. “I just want to be free to go forward, to advance, to succeed. Orange people are people too.”

Other players, however, were unapologetic.

“We’re red and black. They’re blue and gold,” said Atlanta Falcons cornerback Robert McClain, explaining his aggressive behavior toward the St. Louis Rams last Sunday. “You step out on that field, you’re blue and gold, I’m gonna take your head off. Simple as that.

“That doesn’t mean I hate them because of their color,” he added. “I just want to hurt them because of what their color represents. It means they’re different. It means they’re not us. It means… oh.”

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