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ARIEL CASTRO HANGS SELF AFTER NOT GETTING ‘50 SHADES’ LEAD

CLEVELAND, OHIO (SatireWire.com) — Convicted kidnapper and sexual abuser Ariel Castro hanged himself in his prison cell late Tuesday only hours after learning he had failed to land the leading role in the film adaptation of bondage novel, ‘50 Shades of Grey’.

Officials say Castro was not on suicide watch in prison which was probably just a coincidence.

In an angry suicide note, Castro said he was the obvious choice to portray Christian Grey, the novel’s young, executive playboy who was addicted to BDSM. The film’s producers earlier in the day announced that actor Charlie Hunnam would get the part.

“I was perfect for that role,” wrote Castro, who was serving a life sentence after holding three women captive in his home for a decade. “It combined everything I like: luring young women, various forms of bondage, and total disregard for human dignity.

“And women already fantasize about me!” he continued. “Yes, most of those fantasies involve me being horribly disfigured and slowly dying in terrible ways, but they are nonetheless fantasies.”

Castro also lashed out at the film’s casting directors for choosing Hunnam for the lead, insisting the Sons of Anarchy actor was not qualified.

“Hunnam is a B-lister. I’m an A-lister,” Castro wrote. “In my case the ‘A’ stands for something else, but still.”

“I should have known something was up when they didn’t rename the film, ’50 Shades of Orange,’” the convict concluded.

Castro was being held at the Correction Reception Center in Orient, Ohio. Prison medical staff said they attempted lifesaving measures on the scene, although witnesses conceded “lifesaving measures” might have entailed kicking the corpse.

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