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ARK. TOWN SETS UP MEMORIAL FUND FOR PENDING SCHOOL SHOOTING

CLARKSVILLE, ARK. (SatireWire.com) – After deciding to arm teachers and staff to head off the theoretical threat of a school gunman, the city of Clarksville, Ark., has taken the next logical proactive step by setting up a memorial fund for those killed when one of the teachers or staff either loses control or accidentally shoots someone.

What could possibly go wrong?

“What we learned from the Connecticut school shooting is you can’t just sit back and wait for bad things to happen,” said Carrie Julin, director of the new Clarksville Victims Fund. “So we took the first step by giving our staff 9mm handguns to deal with the threat, and now we’re taking the second step by establishing a fund for donations to the families of those killed when the first step goes horribly, inexplicably wrong.”

The city is awaiting IRS approval for the fund’s 501c(3) tax-exempt status, a process that should take six months, “unless we put ‘Tea Party’ in the name,” said Julin. “I just hope nobody on staff loses it before then.”

While only 20 employees in the five-school district will initially be armed, those who have trained to protect students and take an unwitting role in the forthcoming tragedy said they were honored by the responsibility.

“I entered teaching because I wanted to give something back to the community, mold young minds, and carry a loaded firearm in a public building,” said high school English teacher Wil Brantley. “A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but it’s good to know I can ‘waste’ one if I need to.”

Added Clarksville elementary teacher Jenna Purcell: “In eighth grade I had a terrific history teacher named Mr. Greene who really brought the subject to life. I remember thinking, ‘Someday I want to do what he’s doing. But with a gun.’”

Not surprisingly, some have questioned the decision not to use trained police officers for security, but School District Superintendent David Hopkins said teachers are “obviously” better suited.

“People forget that teachers are superhuman,” Hopkins said. “They never get upset or make mistakes or have personal problems. They never have malicious thoughts about students or colleagues, and if they did, certainly would never act on those thoughts. They also all love their school administrators, who we’ve also armed because they in turn love all the teachers and never wish them harm.

“This plan is foolproof,” he continued. “To prove it, you just have to answer this question: In a moment of chaos and panic, who do you want making life-and-death decisions, a veteran police officer or an assistant kindergarten teacher?”

Donations to the Clarksville Victims Fund can be sent to 2343 Peach Creek Rd., Suite 4, Clarksville, Ark. 40911


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