PENIS RIGHTS GROUPS FEAR NATIONAL PENIS REGISTRY
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The Anthony Weiner sexting scandal has ignited a heated debate over penis control as advocates demand regulations to reduce penis-related offences, while pro-penis groups fight to protect their groin-given rights.
“Penises help create life, but as we’ve seen they can ruin lives too,” said Lisa Waldman, director of the Ladies Campaign to Stop Penis Misuse. “That’s why we need stricter penis laws to protect penis owners and non-penis owners alike.”
Penis advocacy groups, meanwhile, argue that their members’ members should not be infringed.
“We may not have the right to bare our penises, but we have the right to bear our penises,” said Dewayne LaProd, chief lobbyist and spokespenis for the National Man-Rifle Association. “The truth is, all penis regulations are a slippery slope towards confiscation, and that would violate the Fourth Amendment’s search and seizure clause.”
The NMRA objects to any regulation and goes so far as to urge all members not to divulge certain personal information.
“I refuse to put my gender on any government forms because that is really a type of national penis registry,” said LaProd. “By identifying my gender, they’ll know I own a penis, and eventually they’ll come for it. But I have news for them: They can take my penis when they pry it from my cold, clenched hand.”
As of now, penises are legal in all 50 states. Although there are restrictions on how and when they are used, these laws do not go far enough for some penis-control groups.
“A penis, whether malevolently brandished by criminals or childishly flaunted by a congressman, is a dangerous weapon,” said Pamela Granger, Director of the Council on Genital Responsibility. “They have hurt both men and women; they have killed relationships, marriages and political careers. At a minimum we need background checks to make sure the mentally unstable do not have access to them.”
For Bill Nadler, President of the U.S. Sport Penis Association, such talk reeks of gender discrimination.
“Women are just as much penis owners as men, if not moreso, and believe me, a woman mishandling a penis is no less dangerous,” Nadler said. “We agree that there are some who should not be allowed to have a penis, but there are just as many women who should not be allowed near one.”
NMRA Women’s Group director Carla Poinswatter, meanwhile, believes the entire argument is misplaced.
“Penises don’t hurt people. People hurt people,” she said. “So we will fight regulation and we will fight bans, because they simply won’t work. If some city bans penises, men – and women – will just go to a neighboring city to get some. I know I would.”
But Waldman insisted the Ladies Campaign is not suggesting prohibition.
“We have no problem with most penises, such as those used for hunting, as long as no one gets hurt,” Waldman said. “But if you are going to have one, you need to know when to use it, how to use it, and keep it away from those who don’t want to see it.”
The NMRA does offer penis safety classes, teaching owners how to clean, store, and handle a penis, and how to discharge it safely. Waldman said owners should also be taught how to display them appropriately, and wants stricter enforcement of indecent exposure — or “concealed penis” — laws. It’s a lesson politicians and professional athletes alike never learn.
“Anthony Weiner has hurt a lot of people with his penis, including his wife,” Waldman said. “The fact is, if he didn’t have one, his political career would be alive today.”
Nadler called that argument spurious.
“Anthony Weiner is his penis,” he said. “You cannot separate the two.”
Nor should you, advised Dr. James Netheroot of New York’s Cedar Sinai Hospital.
“Separating a man from his penis is medically inadvisable,” he said. “Certainly there are numerous ways to emasculate a penis owner without resorting to confiscation. Marriage, for instance. If nothing else, eventually his trigger mechanism will begin to fail with age anyway.”
Unless, like many older penis owners, he decides to upgrade his weapon, which is another flashpoint in the penis-control debate: so-called “assault penises.”
“No one needs a super weapon that can keep firing and firing, or that’s so large you need two hands to control it,” said Granger.
“Speak for yourself,” said the NMRA’s Carla Poinswatter.
For now the debate rages on, with neither side willing to give an inch. Or six.
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