DEATH VALLEY, CA (SatireWire.com) — Enduring record-setting heat yet again over the weekend, Death today announced he will be moving out of his namesake Death Valley, where he said it was “much too hot” to even think straight, not to mention coordinate the demise of 150,000 humans every day.
“Look, I still like the place as a concept — the scorched Earth, the shriveled life and all that,” said the Lord of the Dead as he stood in the roasting desert air. “And I love the name. Obviously. But this place just… drains you. So, yeah, enough. I’m off. I mean, I get to bring misery, not experience it.”
The temperature in Death Valley – which will now just be called the Valley – shot up to nearly 130 degrees on Sunday. Meteorologists, and Death, see no end in sight.
“It’s not the nights. They’re alright,” he said. “But the daytime… I mean, I wear black robes, if you haven’t noticed. Black! In this heat. And a hood! I know, crazy, right?
“And don’t give me that shit about layering,” he added. “I mean yeah, it would technically keep my skin cooler, if I had skin. Which I don’t. So I can’t even sweat to cool down. Right now I’m basically a hot, miserable bag of bones.
“Seriously, this is bad. I think I’m even losing weight. That’s not even possible, right? That doesn’t make any sense. But I swear my robes are looser. Or maybe they just feel heavier.
“Did I mention this morning I saw a mirage… of me!? That’s fucked up right there. Jesus, I feel like I’m on fire. Do I look on fire to you? I feel like it. I should have put in a pool.”
After gathering his things, the Grim Reaper gave his former Valley one last look before shrugging and plodding away.
“I’ll miss the place, but I’ve got to find something better,” he said. “It doesn’t have to be Norway or anything. It could be L.A. Actually, I rather like L.A. The weather is nice. OK, there’s a lot more plant and animal life, I grant you, but if you look in people’s eyes, they’re essentially dead. I’ll feel at home there.”
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