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ARMY TO HOLD BEER SUMMITS WITH ASSAULT VICTIMS, ATTACKERS

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Conceding their “Miss Pentagon” contest idea was not the best way to defuse sexism in the ranks, U.S. Army officials today said they will instead organize a series of “beer summits” between female victims of sexual harassment and their male antagonists.

During the Beer Summit on race, no women were harassed, Army officials pointed out.

Detractors immediately blasted the idea, calling it another example of the male-dominated military failing to cope with rampant sexual harassment and abuse of female soldiers. But Army Lt. Gen. Mike Kirby disagreed, saying it was specifically geared toward women.

“President Obama’s Beer Summit worked great on racial tension, and that was bringing together two guys who didn’t like each other,” said Kirby. “Now put a female in the mix and it should work even better. I mean, women like to talk things out, right?

“If it helps, we’ll order the men to listen,” Kirby added.

During a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing this morning, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, (D-NY), called the plan sexist and insensitive.

“A Beer Summit? Really?” fumed Gillibrand. “Has it occurred to you, General, that forcing women to socialize with their assailants would be, to put it mildly, uncomfortable?”

“Yes ma’am. That’s why we include the alcohol, to loosen things up,” Kirby responded. “Maybe the victim will feel less angry. Maybe the assailant will feel less… assaulty.”

“Less assaulty?” Gillibrand said.

“OK, fewer assaulty,” Kirby asked.

“We don’t want any assaults!” Gillibrand fired back.

“Exactly. Hence the beer. They sit down, have a few cold ones, get to know each other, and after that, hey, who knows?

“What do you mean,” Gillibrand asked stonily, “by, ‘Who knows?’”

“Well, c’mon Senator, you know how women are after a few beers.”

Gillibrand abruptly stormed out of the hearing. After an awkward silence, Kirby addressed the remaining male members of the committee.

“Is it me, or is she really cute when she’s angry?” he said.

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