CHARLESTON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) — Disgraced former Gov. Mark Sanford celebrated his incredible comeback election Tuesday by going on a five-county rampage of arson and murder because in South Carolina that’s still not as bad as being a liberal.
“I just killed a man with my bare hands!” an amazed Sanford told a raucous group of Republican supporters moments after winning over, and marauding through, the 1st Congressional District. “But then again, I’m not a Democrat. So, are we cool?”
“You can shoot my grandma if you stop Obamacare!” shouted one supporter.
“My sister is all yours if you oppose gay marriage!” yelled another.
“Consider it done,” Sanford replied. “No, I mean it. I already did her.”
Sanford, who as governor repeatedly cheated on his wife, lied to the public, took private travel at government expense, and abandoned his post for a week to have sex with his mistress in Argentina, nevertheless won a special election for a U.S. House seat over Elizabeth Colbert-Busch who, while a successful business executive and single mother with no known moral lapses, was a Democrat.
While the race was fairly close at 54 to 45 percent, observers said the campaign pledges separated victor from loser. Colbert-Busch promised constituents she would be independent and moderate. Sanford told constituents he would “steal their trucks, kill their dogs, and stop Nancy Pelosi.”
“In South Carolina,” explained political consultant Drew Parnell, “voters heard that last bit as, ‘Bla bla bla, bla bla bla, Nancy Pelosi.’”
Still basking in the glow of victory blood on his suit, Sanford said he was humbled by the electorate’s decision to put politics ahead of probity no matter what he does.
“I am a flawed man but, by the grace of God, I am a forgiven man, one who will spend the next two years fighting on your behalf,” he said. “Although technically I’ll be spending the next two years backpacking in Venezuela with transvestite hookers.”
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