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JAMESTOWN OPENS COLONIAL AMERICANNIBALISM EXHIBIT

“Scientists have verified that early Jamestown, Va., colonists ate fellow settlers in order to stay alive during a brutal winter dubbed ‘the starving time.’” – USA Today, May 2, 2013


COME FOR THE HISTORY — STAY BECAUSE YOU FAINTED

So you think history is boring? Not anymore! Come to Jamestown Settlement — America’s first permanent English anthropophagic colony – where Colonial Americannibalism comes to life! Then is knocked unconscious, disemboweled, flayed, filleted, salted and eaten. Bring the kids!

SEE IT. LIVE IT. RETCH IT.

Don't Ask Don't Smell

Unlike other historic sites with their ill-informed, unenthusiastic staff, our authentic, specially seasoned reenactors have a real cannibal-do attitude. Join a costumed interpreter portraying one of Jamestown’s original or extra-crispy residents and learn of the trials, tribulations and marinades of life, death and digestion in early Virginia. Mingle with personalities like Capt. John Smith, Mistress Rachel Stanton and maidservant Anne Burras as they feast on personalities like Capt. John Ratcliffe, Mistress Joan Pierce and Col. Thomas Lygon, O.B.E., Yum-e-e.


What our visitors are saying:
“No! No! No! No! No! God make them stop!” – Jane S., Green Bay, Wisc.

Fun Fact: Did you know that colonial women who ate their husbands didn’t inherit their property? How unfair!


NOT JUST AMERICA’S BIRTHPLACE, AMERICA’S WORSTPLACETM

Those who don’t learn about history are condemned to repeat it, right? Well, at Jamestown Settlement, you get both! You’ll learn about history and you’ll feel condemned! That’s because we’ll introduce you to events that no one should have to remember! Ever!

Strike out on your own to pick through the original James Fort and see not just things left over by settlers, but leftovers of the settlers themselves! Or join a small, inside and up-close tour of the 1609 storehouse led by master chef Gilles Grimande, Director of the Jamestown Anthropogastronomic Society. The tour then moves on to an exclusive, behind-the-scenes visit of the archaeological vault for a rare look at the 1609-1610 menu collection, most of which will never go on public display because they’re all so insanely repulsive! And that’s before you realize what the menus were written on!


What our visitors are saying:
“What is wrong with you people!?” – Carl R., Providence, R.I.

Fun Fact: Jamestown settlers lived on a variety of vegetables including squash, beets, carrots, and master William Biddeford after he fell into that coma.


WHERE MENUS, LIKE HISTORY, ARE WRITTEN BY THE WINNERS

Capt. John Smith led colonists through the first Winter, and, later, through the entire Winter family.

Unlike revenge, history is not a dish best served cold. That’s why young and old alike will be engrossed by the dinner show, where Jamestown reenactor-butcher Miles Goolsby, author of Who’s in the Stew? and How to Throw a Fabulous Donner Party, chooses a lucky audience member to help him dismember and cook “Mistress Winfield,” who actually swears unholy epithets at you in Ye Olde English! Oh, she’s a salty one!

No, literally. She was salted a week in advance.


What our visitors are saying:
“Seriously, this is fucked up.” – Kevin O., Shaker Heights, Ohio.

Fun Fact: Jamestowners were very friendly. Whenever a new ship arrived, councilman Edward Wingfield would famously call out, “Come, let us meat the newe neighbours!”


A DAY OF ADVENTURE, A LIFETIME OF THERAPY

Blind-man's bluff was not a game you wanted to lose; or ever play.

Kids, get your game-face on! Or lose your face! At Jamestown you can witness and participate in popular diversions of 17th- and 18th-century Virginia. Visitors can play a variety of Jamestown’s favorites including: whirligigs, ninepins, quoits, hide-and-shriek, Tag You’re Eat and jump-in-the-pot.

Hey Mom and Dad, want to spend some time alone to gather your thoughts, and your composure? Why not drop the kids off at our ‘Reenactivities Centre’ and say goodbye to them for the day, or, for a special fee, forever!

History is great fun at Jamestown Settlement – America’s This-Is-Really-Really-Not-Appropriate-for-Childrenplace!


What our visitors are saying:
“I wanna go home!” – Consuelo M., San Antonio, Tx.

Fun Fact: Jamestown children too young to eat grownup food would instead start out in the Little Cannibbles Programme.


Jamestowne was originally spelled with an 'e' until the settlers ate it.

YOUR ENTRÉE INTO THE NEW WORLD

Coming for the day? Come hungry! At Jamestown Settlement, we’ve got loads of goodies, like 21-year-old Goody Babbage, affectionately known around here as America’s Founding Fodder. Watch in stunned awe as the innocent mistress Babbage steps out of her hut, is clubbed on the head, dismembered and parsed out to the delightful screams of children and adults alike. You can even take the remains home with you because at Jamestown Settlement, they’re not just artifacts, they’re eat-ifacts!


What our visitors are saying:
“Why are you buttering my leg?!” – Richard P., Ft. Myers, Fla.

Fun Fact: Jamestown became famous for tobacco, which settlers would inhale through pipes, and that’s where the term “smoked meats” comes from.


DO YOU BAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY BREADED HUSBAND?

Literally give your hand in marriage!

Jamestown Settlement isn’t just for historic visits, but historic occasions, like your wedding! Imagine celebrating in a gorgeous, historic setting where America’s early settlers met, fell in love, got married, grew ill, fell dead, and ate each other! Contact us now for great rental rates on the Jamestown Community Meating House.

So what are you waiting for? Make your reservations today to visit the historic Jamestown Settlement — America’s Oh-My-God-This-Is-Horrible-I’m-Going-To-Be-Sickplace!


What our visitors are saying:
Actually, I’m quite enjoying this.” – Hannibal L., Baltimore, Md.

Fun Fact: Pocahontas married Jamestown settler John Rolfe, who got his last name from the noise he made every morning when he woke up and realized he lived in Jamestown!

Copyright © 2013, SatireWire.com

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