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“AMERICA’S BEST COLLEGES” (for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus)

The pace of college today is faster than ever, especially if you’re running around trying to find someplace to hide during a lockdown.

That’s why today SatireWire releases its list of America’s Best Colleges (for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus), which ranks the nation’s schools based on their academic prowess, social atmosphere, and the number of places students can safely conceal themselves to avoid detection should the need arise.

“We know the search for the right school is hard work, and we hope this list allows you to hit the ground running,” said ratings editor Treat Warland. “Preferably in a zig-zag motion.”

Added Texas high school senior Trent Davely: “College today means studying and partying and hiding. It’s all about finding the right balance. America’s Best Colleges (for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus) is just the tool I need!”

So which schools get our coveted Conceal of Approval? Like a target trying to shrink behind a lamp post, we’ve narrowed them down to the Top 5. But if your school isn’t on the list, look on the bright side: running for cover is a great way to burn off that freshman 15!


#5 College of Charleston, Charleston, S.C.


Enrollment – 11,300

At CofC you can hide behind letters

Places to Hide – 2,895

Our comments:

If you’re looking for a school where you can get good grades, have a good time, and not die, the College of Charleston might be for you. Survival is often a numbers game, and because C of C is 67 percent female, and campus madmen tend to be, well, men, the odds are ever in your favor. With an impressive student-hiding place ratio of 4.5 to 1, C of C is also in the middle of a city, meaning you can run into local neighborhoods for cover if you have to. But don’t run too far. Some of the neighborhoods aren’t safe.

Prospective student comments:

“I can totally see myself fitting in at the College of Charleston, specifically in the women’s lockers in the athletic building, which are oversized and can actually be locked from the inside.”


#4 Florida State University – Tallahassee, Fla.

Enrollment – 41,710

Places to Hide – 4,210

Our comments:

Legally hide behindable

With a student-hiding place ration of 10:1, Florida State might not seem ideal, but remember that Florida has “concealed carry” and “stand your ground” laws, meaning that some of your classmates might try their luck at stopping the attacker. Translation: more time and places to hide for you!

Prospective Student Comments:

“When I visited FSU recently, I really felt comfortable. It’s someplace I could absolutely see myself going to and hiding. There are lots of cubbyholes in the library, and a lot of the benches scattered around campus are solid, not those wooden ones with openings between the slats. With any luck, there won’t be any semi-holes in this Seminole!”


# 3 Yale University – New Haven, Conn.

Enrollment – 11,593

Places to Hide – 3,414

Our comments:

Yale is not only one of America’s most highly selective universities, it’s one of the most highly secretive universities. And secrecy = safety.

There are actually 22 Yale students hidden in this picture

The school, which is split into 12 separate residential colleges (apparently to keep the students from knowing about each other), not only has a network of underground tunnels and sub-sub basements, but it has so many secret societies with secret meeting places that there are never more than a dozen students visible on campus at any given time. So unless the perpetrator is a member of one of those secret societies – and there’s a 90 percent chance even he won’t know if he is – you’re pretty safe.

Incoming freshman comments:

“When I went on my campus visit to Yale, our guide took us into the basement of the chemistry building, opened a maintenance closet at the back of an unused classroom, and then lifted a ceiling panel just above the water heater. We found students living up there who’d been hiding since 2002! They literally had ivy growing on them!”


#2 University of Michigan – Ann Arbor

Enrollment – 40,693

Places to Hide – 7,142

Our comments:

Join the lumps in the Wave Field

It’s an art project. It’s a hiding place. It’s two things at once! The Wave Field at the University of Michigan (pictured) is a 10,000-square-foot earth sculpture featuring some 50 humps – each about three feet tall — great for diving into if the gunman is on foot (and rather short, it must be said.) U of M also has an extensive network of underground steam tunnels great for frittering away frightened hours. But Michigan makes the top five for an even bigger reason. It has the largest football stadium in the country, seating 109,901. We’re not saying there’s safety in numbers, but it does lower your odds.

Current Student Comments:

“I always feel safe at Michigan, although maybe a little too safe. The truth is, binge-hiding has become a real problem on campus. People will conceal themselves six, seven, even a dozen times a night. Then they’re late for class the next morning because they can’t remember where they are.”


#1 Rice University – Houston, Texas

Enrollment – 6,082

Places to Hide – 6,977

Our comments:

At Rice, you can’t see the students for the trees

Although it’s in a city, Rice is one of the most heavily wooded campuses in America. In fact, according to the administration, nearly 50 percent of the student body is behind trees at any given moment. With 4,300 trees on its grounds, that’s nothing to sneeze at. (Note:  sneezing is a very bad idea when you’re trying to hide, so don’t go to Rice if you have tree allergies.) Overall, with a student-hiding place ratio of better than 1:1, Rice earns the top spot in our list, meaning students have good reason to hold their heads high. Although for obvious reasons they should keep their heads down.

Current student comments:

“Our students are some of the brightest, most motivated, and well-concealed in America. Not only do we have intramural Hide & Seek, but the weekly Lockdown Parties are the best. They’re a great way to make new friends, and usually pretty safe friends, as they’re not the people you’re being locked away from.”


IMPORTANT FOOTNOTES FOR THIS LIST:

* Hiding places included: rooms, closets, toilets, cabinets, trees, shrubs, boulders, sofas, walls, basements, booths, carols, nooks, crannies, corners and roommates who are heavy sleepers.

* Hiding places not included: curtains, sticks, fingers, grass, smiles, online personae, statuary under 3 feet and that weird kid who works at Starbucks in the Student Center.

* Rice University did not remunerate the author in exchange for obtaining the #1 ranking despite repeated attempts by the author to make this happen.

* Yale University did remunerate the author $10,000 for keeping Harvard off the list and another $30,000 if the article made no mention of Harvard at all… aw shit.

* California colleges do not appear in the study because the author dated a girl from UC-Berkeley once and it didn’t work out and he doesn’t want to be reminded of it.

* The University of Maine was not included in the study as the author couldn’t find it. Seriously, where the hell is Orono?

* Binge-hiding is a serious mental health issue and anyone suffering from it should be subjected to bright lights and loud noises and repeated shouts of ‘We can see you, Elliot!’ until Elliot comes out.

* Be aware that students found lying in a closet in the fetal position may not be suffering from binge-hiding but may simply be named Elliot.

* Basically the author knew a guy in college named Elliot and he was a total dweeb.

* America’s Best Colleges for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus is part of SatireWire’s “America’s Best College” series, which includes:

  • America’s Best Colleges for Art History Majors Looking for a Career in Fast Food
  • America’s Best Colleges for Math, Science and Not Having Sex
  • America’s Best Community Colleges Like That’s Even Possible
  • America’s Best Colleges to Go to If You Later Want to Write a Book Entitled, ‘Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Massive Debt I Learned in College’
  • America’s Best Colleges for People Too Lazy to Do Their Own Research About America’s Best Colleges

Copyright © 2013, SatireWire.com

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