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Tuesday September 2nd 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

RUTGERS FIRES ABUSIVE COACH, VOWS TO STOP RECRUITING PANSIES

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ (SatireWire.com) – An apologetic Rutgers University fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice today and promised to clamp down on anti-gay, derogatory slurs in its program by cutting back on the recruitment of sissies and pansies.

Coach Rice, center, seen shoving one of his weak-assed pretty boys.

The firing comes after ESPN aired a video on Tuesday that showed Rice shoving players, throwing basketballs at their heads, and calling them derogatory names such as “pussies,” “sissy bitches,” and “fucking faggots.” Rice’s actions were “deplorable,” said Rutgers Athletic Director Tim Pernetti, who admitted he was also at fault for failing to notice Rice had a tendency to stock his teams with limp-wristed momma’s boys.

“I fully agree that if you watch the video and hear what Mike was saying, you’d have to conclude that he was entirely in the wrong,” said Pernetti. “He should never have treated student-athletes like that because he should never have brought in a bunch of fucking pussies in the first place, as was reflected in our record.”

The Scarlet Knights went 15-16 on the season, a result Pernetti said was actually impressive given the clearly demoralizing aspect of having so many useless la-dee-das on the team.

Rice, meanwhile, issued a brief statement to the press.

“I’d like to apologize to the university, the students, and the alumni of Rutgers for my irresponsible recruitment of candy-asses,” Rice said. “In addition, the physical abuse these players suffered was wholly improper. I could throw basketballs at their heads for hours and it wouldn’t change the fact that they were a bowlful of goddamned fruits.”

Analysts say the firing could lead to increased scrutiny of physical and verbal abuse across college athletics, which is more common than many admit.

“It’s an open secret that coach’s often berate and denigrate their players for being soft, and Rutgers is by no means the worst,” said ESPN analyst Doug Gottlieb. “Look at Fordham University (7-24). Look at Old Dominion (5-25). They suck. Their coach should be stringing his players up by the balls, but they don’t have any.”

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