NELSON, GA (SatireWire.com) — One day after standing up for the Second Amendment by passing a law making gun ownership mandatory, the city of Nelson, Ga., today applied the same ironclad logic to First Amendment free speech and enacted a law requiring its 1,300 residents to talk all the time.
“People have called us rednecks and backwards and dupes and insane and intolerant and alarmist and simple-minded and hypocritical for protecting our Second Amendment right to bear arms by making it illegal not to bear arms,” said Nelson city councilman Billy Putnam who, due to the free speech ordinance, barely had time to catch his breath before continuing, “and in truth I wanted to shoot those people with my Constitutionally protected firearm, but then someone pointed out that it was illegal to shoot those people because the First Amendment guarantees their right to free speech and I thought well let’s show folks we’re not just dupes of the gun industry let’s show folks we’re dupes of the entire Constitution and the obvious way to do that was to show that we not only support the right to free speech but in fact we require you to exercise your right to free speech, isn’t that right Jarred?” he said to fellow councilman Jarred Akers.
“What? I’m sorry I didn’t hear you because I was talking and I’m still talking and I’m going to go on talking because the way I figure it the government wants to violate our Second Amendment rights so it stands to reason they also want to violate our First Amendment rights and just like they want to take away our guns they also want to take away our free speech but let me put it this way, ‘You can have my mouth when you pry it from my cold, dead face,” replied Akers, who was shouting to be heard over the voices of several other Nelson residents standing nearby.
The constant din that is now life in Nelson is unlikely to abate anytime soon as the new ordinance also requires residents to peaceably assemble, another First Amendment right the city leaders have made mandatory. In a further fit of patriotic fervor, late today they passed a law supporting the Twenty-first Amendment, which lifted prohibition, resulting in a mandate that requires all citizens to drink alcohol. At press time, the 1,314 Nelson residents were assembled outside the local library, where they were all talking simultaneously and drinking heavily.
“Some people maybe say we didn’t think these laws through either because if everyone has to be with everyone else and also talking all the time and drinking all the time then no one will be able to speak right or think right or listen and that will lead to inevitable misunderstandings and arguments and eventually violent confrontations,” Putnam theorized above the noise, “but if it comes to that the good news is we all have guns.”
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