WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre ended a rousing anti-gun-control speech at CPAC Friday by surprising his unsuspecting audience with new handguns, which had been taped under their seats, Oprah-style.
The shocked and elated crowd of 2,000 reacted by hugging, high-fiving, and, in at least 22 cases, accidentally shooting each other.
During his speech, the always-exuberant LaPierre pummeled the gun-control movement and insisted he was not crazy despite advocating that the solution to a potential rape was a “good woman with a gun.” He also reiterated his stance that guns are the solution to everything from school shootings to home invasion to muggings, and added that he was not insane, despite suggesting that Chinese hackers could target a federal gun owner database, which doesn’t actually exist.
But it was the finale to his 23-minute talk that left everyone in the room standing and cheering when not ducking for cover.
“Before you go back to defend your homes, I have a surprise for you,” said the gun lobby’s chief spokesman. “I want everyone to look under their seats.”
Taped to the underside of each chair was a fully loaded handgun, ranging from .32 caliber Colts to .45 caliber Smith & Wessons.
“That’s right, everybody gets a new gun!” LaPierre screamed. “Now go out there and kill a bad person also I’m not crazy!”
LaPierre’s small arms largesse was met with unbridled enthusiasm for the 2nd Amendment.
“We love you Wayne!” shouted 46-year-old attendee Byram Holt of Indiana as he drifted in and out of consciousness due to a stomach wound inflicted by equally excited attendee Angelic Naughton of Ft. Worth, Texas.
Like others wounded in the euphoria, Holt would not go to a hospital, saying he refused to let Obamacare take credit for saving him. Instead he appealed to fellow CPAC members, who were only to willing to help.
“I don’t have any bandages, but I have a gun!” said Reese Henderson, an attendee from Richmond.
“They’re good for everything!” Naughton encouraged.
Henderson then shot Holt in his wound, after which the injured man died. “Problem solved!” said Henderson.
“He was probably going to be a rapist anyway,” Naughton speculated.
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