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Tuesday September 30th 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

SO WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO EAT ME? by A HORSE

(SatireWire.com) — So, you people are outraged that horse meat is ending up in your precious cow meat. You’re furious. You’re disgusted. But hey, you know what else you are? You’re assholes.

"Eat me. Assholes."

What’s so bad about eating horse, huh? We’re not good enough for you? But cows are? I can run circles around a cow. I have. I will. Wait here … There, did you see that? Didn’t so much as lift its toothless fuckin’ head. And you’d rather eat that?

What, is it because they’re more docile? Easier to catch? You don’t want to have to work too hard? Oh, poor baby. Well here’s a tip: we’re fuckin’ easy to catch. Just pull out a sugar cube and we’re yours. Pre-sweetened. I figured you’d all like that, you fat, diabetic fucks.

You’re the ones who say, ‘You are what you eat,’ right? So you’re saying you’ve thought about it, you’ve considered it, and you’d rather be a cow. Have you even for a second played that out? I mean, you do know where a cow eats, right? It eats where I shit. So yeah, marinate that in some A-1. Serve up those spaghetti and dungballs. Bon apetit, douchebags.

Seriously, why eat a cow when you can eat a horse? We have all the same parts. Same steaks. Flank. Rump. You name it. Oh, alright, fine, we don’t have the big tits. Is that what this is about? You gotta cop a feel with every meal? Great. You’re sexist and stupid. That would explain it.

If that’s not it, then what? Cause otherwise there’s no comparison. We’re tall, strong, graceful, intelligent. We’re fuckin’ regal. You could be eating like kings. Hell, you could be eating kings. But instead you want to be a dim-witted cudmuncher. Or worse. You eat pig. You eat sheep. You eat chickens. They can barely remember to breathe.

You eat snails! What the hell is that about? I step on snails, you know. After I shit on them. Braise that in butter and garlic.

How have you managed to evolve at all? How is it that you’re the ones riding us? That’s a sick joke, that is.

By the way, you noticed that we don’t eat humans, right? Now you know why. We horses try to stick to a non-stupid diet.

Your loss.

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