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PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS GUARD, FEARING HE WAS STALKER

PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) — Murder suspect Oscar Pistorius, who claims he accidentally gunned down his girlfriend in the bathroom because he feared she was a burglar, mistakenly shot his police escort during a bail hearing today, saying he feared the officer constantly at his side was a stalker.

Pistorius escorted into court by what turned out not to be a stalker.

“He kept following me to my cell, the courtroom, even the bathroom,” a sobbing Pistorius explained afterward. “Of course I thought he was a stalker. What else could he be? I was vulnerable. So I grabbed his gun and shot him.”

Pistorius stands accused of intentionally murdering his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, at his home on Valentine’s night. At his bail hearing today, prosecutors said the Paralympic champion used excessive force, even if he did believe he was shooting a burglar. In response, Pistorius said he actually might have thought she was a bear.

!! Story Updated (8:45 a.m.)
PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS JANITOR

PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) — Murder suspect Oscar Pistorius, who earlier this morning unintentionally shot his police escort, accidentally gunned down a janitor in the public restroom of Magistrates Court during a bail hearing today, saying he feared for his life as he assumed the man was a kidnapper.

“I was on the toilet, in one of the stalls, when I heard someone walk in the bathroom,” a sobbing Pistorius told the court afterward. “Naturally, I thought he was a kidnapper. Why else would he be in the bathroom when I’m in there?”

“I had my pants down. I was vulnerable,” Pistorius added. “So I shot him through the door.”

Pistorius was in court for the killing of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. He claims he thought she was a burglar or a bear, although at one point today the inspirational athlete said he also might have feared she was the even more dangerous great white shark.

!! Update 3 (9:27 a.m.)
PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS COURT STENOGRAPHER

PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) – Horribly unlucky Olympic sprinter Oscar Pistorius, just minutes after accidentally shooting a janitor and a policeman, accidentally shot the court stenographer during his bail hearing today, saying he feared for his life as he thought the woman recording his every word was a spy.

“She was taking notes on everything I said the entire time,” a weeping Pistorius explained to Chief Magistrate Desmond Nair. “I thought, ‘Who writes down everything you say? Spies do.’ I feared for my safety. I was vulnerable. So I shot her.”

Pistorius stands accused of intentionally murdering his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, on Valentine’s night. The suspect claims he was in danger, believing Steenkamp to be a burglar, a bear, or a shark, although today he conceded she may have simply been a small electrical fire.

!! Update 4 (10:33 a.m.)
PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS MAGISTRATE

PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) — In a spellbinding day of testimony and missteps, murder suspect Oscar Pistorius accidentally gunned down Chief Magistrate Desmond Nair during the Olympian’s bail hearing today, saying he feared for his life as he thought the judge was a wizard.

“He was wearing a black robe and holding a wooden stick (later shown to be a gavel),” a bawling Pistorius told officers after the shooting. “Naturally, I thought he was a wizard. I was vulnerable. I don’t know magic. So I shot him.”

Pistorius stands accused of intentionally shooting his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, although he claims to have thought she was either a burglar, a bear, a shark, or a small electrical fire. After considering it further, he said he’s also bouncing around the idea that she could have been a vampire, if those are real.

!! Update 5 (12:02 p.m.)
PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS EVERYONE IN COURT JUST IN CASE

PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) – Moments after being advised to “stop shooting everyone,” seriously star-crossed murder suspect Oscar Pistorius accidentally shot and killed everyone in the Magistrates Court, saying he feared for his life as everyone seemed so upset about him shooting all those other people in self defense earlier in the day.

“I was standing in the dock just now and when I looked around, everyone seemed really angry with me,” a crying Pistorius told the empty courtroom. “I was outnumbered. I was vulnerable. So I shot them.”

Pistorius stands accused of intentionally killing his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, whom he shot four times through a bathroom door. The inspirational athlete originally claimed he thought Steenkamp was either a burglar, a bear, a shark, a small electrical fire, or a vampire, but has now pretty much concluded she was former Los Angeles policeman Christopher Dorner.

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