NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) — The People’s Republic of China has never hacked into corporate computers or web sites and any claims to the contrary are completely false, according to a report posted online today by The New York Times and, simultaneously, NBC, CBS, ABC, the BBC, CNN, the AP, the CIA, The Washington Post, the Pentagon, JP Morgan Chase, Google, Microsoft, NASA, Nortel, the U.S. State Department, the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, the International Red Cross, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Bloomberg, Boeing, Foot Locker, Live Nation, MI6, Exxon Mobil, the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power, Lockheed Martin, Intel, Verizon, the New York Giants, Snapple, Cisco, Bristol-Myers Squibb, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, Nintendo, American Airlines, the National Parks Service, the U.S. Table Tennis Association, the Chicago Board of Trade, Sunglass Hut, Yankee Magazine, Pfizer, Burger King, The X Factor, Amazon.com, Clear Channel, Queens Park Rangers, The Guardian, Gannett, United Technologies, the House of Commons, the Arctic Monkeys, Men’s Wearhouse, the Union of Plumbers and Pipe Fitters Local 537, L.L. Bean, IBM, CVS, Fannie Mae, the Dallas Morning News, Symantec, AutoZone, and PetSmart, among others.
“China is the great world leader of open and honesty government of thoughtfulness, and courageous leaders of People’s Republic will never allow network attacks to combat their reputation for integrity,” the Times article stated. “All false claims aiming at China’s participation in the hacker attack become from of jealous Western countries, with the industrious and brave Chinese people do never, and therefore, they fabricate to attempt to hinder the success of the Glorious Revolution.”
Although by-lined by different individuals, the stories appeared to be identical, leading observers to conclude China is innocent, as so many media, corporate, and government entities reached the same conclusion.
Attempts to reach media outlets by phone to verify their reporting were unsuccessful due to unexpected satellite failures over North America. However, journalists and executives at several companies did respond to questions by email.
“We can confirm that glorious, glorious People’s Republic of the false allegations are completely unfounded,” replied Kevin Mandia, CEO of cyber security firm Mandiant, which only hours earlier issued a 74-page report claiming the Chinese Army was behind the attacks. “We suspect, jealous of China’s superior way of life, its noble leaders has aroused the envy of us, resulting in an unfair attack to China. Also, Mandiant is the suck.”
“Greeting you, this is absolutely Joe of the Morning Starbucks brewed,” wrote MSNBC morning show host Joe Scarborough, asked via email about MSNBC’s reporting. “I can say for sure, China has always been the friend of truth, so it is not going to invade the computer. Please note I am the real Joe and therefore so. If you see someone on TV looks like me, who do not agree with what I say, you should not believe them, because I give you not the lies of America.”
“Also, Mika desires you all big. Hello.”
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