VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) — Here are the leading candidates to replace Pope Benedict XVI, arranged in random order, unless you don’t believe in random, in which case the first guy is the next pope. Obviously.
CARDINAL Peter Turkson, 64
COUNTRY – Ghana
CURRENT JOB — President of the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace
PROS – Would be first black African pope; could finally have first cool pope name (T. Pope X?); racist Italian soccer fans will at least have to end offensive chants with, “…with the exception of His Holiness the Pope.”
CONS – Donald Trump will demand to see his ordination certificate.
CHANCES – World not ready as neither Danny Glover nor Morgan Freeman has paved the way by playing a black Pope in a movie.
CARDINAL Marc Ouellet, 68
COUNTRY – Canada
CURRENT JOB — Prefect of the Congregation for Bishops.
PROS — Although Canadian, U.S. natural gas companies would refer to him as the “North American Pope.”; would also be our “politest” pope.
CONS — Born in La Motte, Quebec, Ouellet would come from the coldest climate of any Pope in history; supplicants’ lips may get stuck while kissing papal ring.
CHANCES: Slim. Canadians not strongly religious; most only believe in God because they worry it’s rude not to.
CARDINAL Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga, 70
COUNTRY – Honduras
CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of Tegucigalpa
PROS – Has openly criticized Ricky Martin, doesn’t matter for what; past anti-Semitic remarks will make for smooth transition from current Hitler Youth pope; although from Honduras, U.S. natural gas companies would refer to him as the “Central and North American Pope.”
CONS – When he visits U.S., Congressional leaders will give him gardening tools and tell him to “get to work” out of habit.
CHANCES: Probably not. At 70, he is much too young to be pope.
CARDINAL Angelo Scola, 71
COUNTRY – Italy
CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of Milan.
PROS – Locally grown pope would have smaller carbon footprint; being Italian, would better understand corruption.
CONS – and perfect it.
CHANCES – Scola tics every box: he’s old, Italian, and has strongly denounced contraception, feminism and homosexuality. If cardinals wore panties they’d be throwing them at him.
CARDINAL Timothy Dolan, 63
COUNTRY – U.S.
CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of New York
PROS – Face already papal red; after two hurricanes and a blizzard in last 18 months, best chance New York has of convincing God to give it a rest.
CONS – Born in Missouri, the “Show Me” state; “Show Me” not usually something you want to hear from a priest.
CHANCES: None. The Vatican thinks a pope from a “superpower” is too threatening, especially since popes wear a missile silo on their heads.
CARDINAL Odilo Pedro Scherer, 63
COUNTRY – Brazil
CURRENT JOB — Archbishop of São Paulo
PROS — With a Brazilian, could be first pope to look decent in a bikini.
CONS – Rumor that he only wants to become pope to lose the name ‘Odilo.’
CHANCES – Scherer’s Facebook fan page only has 10 “Likes.” Cardinal Dolan’s Facebook fan page has 21,374 Likes. You do the math.
CARDINAL Christoph Schonborn, 67, or actor William Hurt, 62
COUNTRY – Austria or Washington, D.C.
CURRENT JOB — Schonborn is Archbishop of Vienna while William Hurt has signed up for the TV Series “Bonnie and Clyde” on Lifetime.
PROS – Would help heal the schism between the Church and Hollywood.
CONS – Schonborn was once accused of covering up abuse; Hurt starred in the movie “Lost in Space,” which is almost as bad.
CHANCES – Depends on how many in the College of Cardinals saw “Lost in Space.”
CARDINAL Luis Antonio Tagle, 55
COUNTRY – Philippines
CURRENT JOB – The “diminutive” Archbishop of Manila.
PROS – Little fella would be the youngest pope in more than 200 years.
CONS – Having Dwarf pope may damage tenuous Catholic-Elf relations.
CHANCES – His Facebook fan page has 116,000 Likes. We may have a winner!
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