AUSTIN, TX (SatireWire.com) — Lance Armstrong today lashed out at himself for confessing to Oprah Winfrey, calling himself a liar and threatening to sue anyone, including himself, who claims they saw or heard the interview, which he also insisted never took place.
Despite seemingly incontrovertible evidence to the contrary, Armstrong adamantly denied speaking to Oprah, adding that he also did not admit to using performance enhancing drugs throughout his cycling career.
“Every time I was ever asked about doping, I denied it, so why would I suddenly admit to something that I never did just because all the evidence is against me?” he said. “If I did speak to Oprah, which I didn’t, I’m a liar. I don’t know, probably I was jealous or something. I’m a pretty big deal.”
During the interview, Armstrong appeared to admit to blood doping and transfusions, as well as taking numerous banned substances to elevate his performance. The confession, airing over two nights, was watched by millions and has been a hot topic online and in every office in the country.
The former Tour de France champion, however, said everyone who thinks they heard him admit to doping should shut up.
“I will sue every single American, including myself and Oprah, who passes on this scandalous rumor about me,” he said. “Unless I’ve sued them already, which I may have. I’ve lost count.”
Armstrong’s attorneys disclosed that Armstrong has, in fact, sued himself six times in the past, settling out of court for unpublicized sums meant to keep him quiet. The attorneys refused to elaborate, however, as they are currently suing themselves per Armstrong’s orders.
As for what the disgraced cyclist does next, Armstrong said he would focus all his energy on Lance Armstrong.
“I have a message for me: All my life, whenever I sense someone is threatening me or my career or my reputation, I attack,” he said. “So get ready Lance. I’m going to make your life a living hell.”
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