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NORQUIST TO STRANGLE A PUPPY FOR EACH BROKEN TAX PLEDGE

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Anti-tax crusader Grover Norquist today denied he is angry with Republicans who have turned against his no-tax pledge, insisting they are free to do whatever they want, including choose the color and breed of each puppy he intends to strangle for every lawmaker who breaks the oath.

Norquist (top) with Sen. Lindsey Graham and Snuggles, Rep. Peter King and Daisy, and Sen. Saxby Chambliss and Alfie.

Since Sunday, several of the 280 members of Congress who signed Norquist’s Taxpayer Protection Pledge have retracted their vows, citing a need for compromise in looming fiscal cliff negotiations. Surprisingly Norquist, known for ruthlessly going after tax proponents, said he understands. He just doesn’t know if the puppies will.

“I’m not angry or upset or worried,” said Norquist as he stroked the fur of ‘Sparky,’ an adorable, 6-week-old cocker spaniel. “Just like this cute little fella right here, I’m hoping that in the end, our national leaders do the right thing.”

“What’s that Sparky? You say Rep. Peter King (R-NY) has already reneged? Oh dear. I do hope he doesn’t like spaniels,” he added hoarsely, his face reddening.

Like King, pledge-breaker Sen. Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-SC, said he got a phone call from Norquist this morning.

“I thought he was going to threaten to run me out of office, but he didn’t. Instead he just asked me how I was, and where I was having lunch, and what breed of dog I wanted put down,” Graham recalled. “Oh, then he put a talking collie on the phone. Smart little fella. It actually said, ‘Senator, the American people can have lower taxes and live puppies, or higher taxes and dead puppies. It’s up to you.’”

In Georgia, GOP Sen. Saxby Chambliss, who said he might break the oath, tried to tamp down fears that Norquist would actually go through with his threat.

“Grover is a good man who wants what’s best for this country,” said Chambliss. “And right now he must see that the best thing for this country is for all of us to find middle ground,”

At a late-day press conference held at a local animal shelter, the cantankerous lobbyist agreed.

“Oh yes, I think finding middle ground is important,” said Norquist, ruffling the head of ‘Rusty,’ an 8-week-old Labrador. “Because we’ll need some nice, soft middle ground to lay all these puppies in.

“What’s that Rusty? You say the ground looks really cold and lonely? Don’t you worry, boy. I heard Rep. Eric Cantor and Sen. Bob Corker are breaking their pledges, too. So you’ll have lots of company.”

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