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Friday April 18th 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

NYC STREETS PRE-LINED WITH PEOPLE FOR MARATHON

NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – The New York City Marathon will go on as planned Sunday because nothing says New York is back to normal like thousands of perfectly healthy individuals rushing past people in need and ignoring them, Mayor Michael Bloomberg said today.

“It’s hard enough ignoring panhandlers who beg you for money, but imagine how hard it will be ignoring someone who bothers you for food or fuel or medical supplies," said one runner.

“During and after Hurricane Sandy, there were numerous stories of New Yorkers helping each other and caring for each other, which is understandable under the circumstances,” said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “But the Marathon requires participants to resume normal behavior: look straight ahead, ignore what’s going on around them and keep moving. It helps remind us of who we are.”

The 26.2-mile race, which goes through each of the city’s five boroughs, shuts down 20 miles of roads, and normally requires 1,000 police officers to man the route, is just what the Big Apple needs, said Staten Island resident Vince Fircazzio.

“I’m flooded out of my apartment, have no place to stay, and have lost everything,” Fircazzio said. “But the thought of 40,000 cheerful, fit people jogging by, diverting attention and precious resources from the disaster, will fill me with a sense of pride, if not food and warmth.

“We have to have the Marathon,” he added. “If we give in to compassion and understanding, the hurricanes win.”

Many runners, meanwhile, said they’re not sure holding the race is a good idea.

“I’ve been training for this all year, but I do wonder if it shouldn’t be cancelled,” said Christine Jamino from Long Island. “It’s hard enough ignoring panhandlers who beg you for money, but imagine how hard it will be ignoring someone who bothers you for food or fuel or medical supplies.”

Borough presidents have decried the decision, citing the extensive damage and horrible loss of life, but the Mayor argued the Marathon boosts the local economy, which must go on.

“It’s a great event for New York, and I think for those who were lost, you know, you’ve got to believe they would want us to have an economy and have a city go on for those that they left behind,” Bloomberg actually said.

Madame Cassandra, a Brooklyn-based medium, agreed.

“The departed loved ones I have contacted are primarily concerned with economics, it’s true,” she said. “They are telling me, ‘Yes, have the Marathon because it brings in $340 million. Also, eliminate the Metropolitan Commuter Transportation District surcharge of 0.375 percent.’”

However, Madame Cassandra revealed, they will not truly rest until clothing and footwear purchases under $200 are exempt from the city’s 4.5 percent sales tax.

Bloomberg said he expects bigger crowds than ever because, “in some low-lying areas, I understand thousands of people have been lining the streets since late Monday night.”

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