BOCA RATON, FL (SatireWire.com) – President Obama did not apologize to the world but did have make-up sex with India, while Mitt Romney supports Israel so much he wants to buy it. It’s the final presidential debate fact check.
The Allegation: Mitt Romney said President Obama went on an “apology tour” after taking office.
The Reality: President Obama did not immediately go on an apology tour. Instead, he first laid the groundwork, sending flowers from the Rose Garden and small candied hearts that said, ‘4give Me?’ to no fewer than 60 nations the United States had either attacked, ignored, bullied, lied to, or, in the case of Spain, slept with once and forgot to call the next day. Even then, he could not visit without an invite. (Ronald Reagan had tried that once, showing up unannounced in Beirut in 1983 with a fistful of violets and a box of chocolate jelly beans, only for Lebanon to tell Syria to tell Reagan it wasn’t home. Embarrassing!) After sending the candied hearts, Obama convinced his friend, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, to intervene, a tactic that backfired in the case of Malaysia, which actually fell in love with Canada and the two have not been seen outside their Banff hotel room since late 2010. In a last ditch attempt to reconcile with the world, the President posted a YouTube video in which the smooth-toned Obama sang David Soul’s 1976 hit, “Don’t Give Up on Us Baby.” Quickly thereafter, the barriers melted, his phone calls were returned, and Obama boarded Air Force One for a two-week, 16-nation make-up-sex tour the Secret Service dubbed, “GlobalBang ’09’” because the spellcheck on their iPhones refused to accept “Foreignication.”
We rate this allegation: Totally Hot.
The Allegation: President Obama said he and Gov. Romney’s approaches to Israel are similar, while Romney said Obama has damaged U.S. relations with Israel.
The Reality: First of all, President Obama couldn’t be more Jewish if he grew sidelocks and bought a movie studio. This transformation began four days into his presidency when, after sundown on Saturday, Jan. 24, Obama was circumcised in a secret bris performed by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, in which the then 47-year-old President reportedly “cried like a yutzi girl.” (And now you know where their “strained relationship” comes from.) Also, when visiting Israel or dining with Woody Allen, Obama refers to his wife and daughters as Miriam, Hashana and Dalia, and every Hanukah he has Jay-Z and Oprah perform the mother-in-law scene from “Yentl.” For his part, Romney has long vowed that if he had been U.S. president in the 2nd Century B.C. when the Jews rededicated the temple, he would have supplied enough American-drilled oil to keep the lamps burning for 8 million days. He also supports expanding West Bank settlements by building “modest, 10,000-square-foot homes” for middle-class settlers. And most telling, Romney has repeatedly stated that he loves Israel so much he wants to buy it.
We rate these allegations “Feh!”
The Allegation: Mitt Romney said President Obama did not support the uprising, a.k.a. Green Revolution, in Iran in 2009.
The Reality: Barack Obama did support the green movement in Iran, secretly sending nearly 8,000 wind turbines to Tehran in the hopes they would drop their insistence on nuclear power and instead turn to renewable energies. Since the turbines came unassembled, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad unfortunately mistook the 8,000 metal poles for short, portable minarets, which he distributed to nomadic anti-American clerics. The blades for the turbines, initially thought to be poorly made scimitars, were eventually given to madrasas and used to paddle impious 8-year-olds, which in turn led to the formation of the RBB, or Red Buttocks Brigade, who rose up to challenge Ahmadinejad, but sadly failed as most of the children only rose up to 3-feet 9-inches tall.
We rate this allegation “A Pain in the Ass.”
The Allegation: President Obama said the U.S. has fewer horses and bayonets than it did in 1916.
The Reality: Misleading. Yes, the U.S. has fewer horses and bayonets than in 1916, but every year since 1916 the U.S. has had fewer horses and bayonets. That’s because in 1917 the U.S. Army decided to mount bayonets on all of its horses, a move that, due to a poorly planned, single-file charge during the Nivelle Offensive in France, decimated the U.S. horse population as, due to the nose-mounted bayonets and the strategic location of equine anatomy, 10,000 stallions were instantly turned into geldings.
We rate this allegation “Neuter.”
The Allegation: Mitt Romney said the U.S. Navy will soon have fewer ships than it did in 1916.
The Reality: Misleading. Yes, the U.S. Navy will have fewer ships than in 1916, but every year since 1916 the U.S. has had fewer ships. That’s because 1917 was the year the U.S. Navy took the now surplus bayonets used to neuter horses and mounted them on ships, a move that, due to a poorly planned fleet-wide rendezvous off of Ireland, decimated the naval vessel population as, due to the bow-mounted bayonets and the strategic location of the waterline, 300 ships were instantly turned into submarines.
We rate this allegation “S.O.S.”
The Allegation: President Obama said Gov. Romney has talked tough on Iran, Syria, and China, but has often changed his stances.
The Reality: Gov. Romney has in fact been very consistent about what he would do, it’s just that no one believes it. His strategy: On day one, as promised, President Romney would declare China a currency manipulator. To keep China from retaliating with trade tariffs, Romney would then agree to outsource U.S. currency manipulation — currently handled by the Treasury Department — to China, which can manipulate currency more cheaply. Utilizing his experience running the Salt Lake City Olympics, Romney will also make China pay a sponsorship fee to become the “Official Currency Manipulator of the U.S. Treasury,” which China can use in advertisements and on athletic wear. President Romney would then use the sponsorship fees, as well as the savings and tax deductions for outsourcing, to enact a leveraged buyout of Syria, which, in its distressed state, he would declare bankrupt, lay off its citizens, sell off its assets, and clear an estimated $480 million (after taxes and depreciation), which would be used to pay for a war against Iran, unless Iran backs down, in which case he will just buy a really nice horse for his wife.
We rate this allegation “Best in Show.”
The Allegation: President Obama said Gov. Romney would not have given the order to kill Osama bin Laden.
The Reality: Mitt Romney did give the order to kill Osama bin Laden. On the evening of May 1, 2011, the day before bin Laden was shot by Navy SEALS, Romney was speaking to small business owners in Portsmouth, N.H., and shocked the group by asking them to do three things:
- Vote for him
- Keep creating jobs for America
- Kill Osama bin Laden
“I was surprised Gov. Romney ordered us to kill bin Laden,” said Bill Nordstar, a grocer in nearby Dover. “Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t against it. But I had a stock count that was gonna take all day, plus I also wasn’t in Pakistan.”
Added local motel manager Glenn Reese: “We’re sitting there around this big table, talking economics, when suddenly the Governor says, ‘Gentlemen, I want you to kill bin Laden.’ So Shelley, who owns the coffee shop and is the only woman in our group, she says, ‘Gentlemen? What about me?’ and Romney says, ‘Oh, right. Can you cook dinner for the guys when they’re done?’ Of course Shelley gets up and walks out. The next day bin Laden gets killed. Shelley calls me. ‘Oh my God,’ she says, ‘was that you guys did that?’ So I, well, let’s just say I’ve been getting free donuts the past year.”
We rate this allegation “Fattening.”
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