PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) — Reacting to South Korea’s recent deal with the United States to extend the range of its missiles, North Korea surprised the world Tuesday by claiming it now has missiles that can reach the U.S. mainland. If those missiles are sent via UPS 2nd Day Air.
In a saber-rattling statement, the state-run Korean Central News Agency said its missiles could, “not only strike America, but also deliver fiery death to the imperialist puppet forces in Japan via UPS Next Day Air Early A.M., and total devastation to the war-mongering pawns in Guam via UPS Next Day Air Saver.
“We have long possessed the armament yet lacked a delivery method, but today our Dear Leader Kim Jong-un announces he has discovered that ability and can reign down everlasting annihilation any time, any place,” the statement added. “Except on major holidays, Sundays, or weekdays after 9 p.m.”
Analysts have long derided North Korea’s missile capability, especially after its failed launch last Spring, and quickly dismissed the new threat, noting UPS doesn’t offer service from North Korea to the U.S. But North Korean Defense Minister Kim Jo-Li says they have worked around that issue.
“Our current technology allows us to fire a missile just beyond our borders, where it will land in a UPS-friendly country, be picked up by our agents, packaged, and sent with the appropriate delivery method,” Jo-Li said.
But why UPS?
“When you’re in the small despotic nation business, you need a partner you can trust,” he replied. “UPS delivers more packages overnight on time in the U.S. than any other carrier. Now that’s a track record we can count on.
“And their new mobile app allows us to track our missiles in real time, which is good, because our radar instruments were made in 1940,” he added.
North Korea also warned against a Western first strike. “If the United States and its devil allies attempt to strike our sacred homeland, we have missiles packed and ticketed, with tracking numbers, ready to go UPS Ground. So even if we’re dead, four to seven business days later, boom, we will have our revenge,” Jo-Li said.
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