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BILL REQUIRES SCHOOLS TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN, BEAR OUR CHILDREN

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Teachers in public schools, increasingly burdened with the responsibility of raising the nation’s children, will have to bear the nation’s children as well, according to a new bill in the U.S. House of Representatives.

Teachers will be artificially inseminated unless already sleeping with a student.

The proposal, which calls for the widespread in vitro fertilization of teachers, solves a dilemma for schools and educators, which are currently asked to be surrogate parents despite not being primarily responsible.

“The situation is entirely unfair to both students and educators as too many parents today refuse to accept responsibility,” said Rep. Craig Estep (R-VA). “Too often they expect the schools to step in. Too often they blame the schools and the teachers when something goes wrong in their child’s life.

“But if the teacher actually carries and delivers that child, then blaming that teacher for any problems finally makes sense. After all, it’s their kid too.”

“Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best,” he added.

The legislation, said co-sponsor Rep. Nathaniel Clyne (D-La.), also addresses a common complaint from educators.

“Schools always claim that it’s not their fault, that education begins at home,” said Clyne. “Well, if a child’s education begins at home, where better to begin a child than in the home of an educator? I don’t think they’ll have any more excuses after this.”

Teachers, however, lambasted the proposal.

“With over-crowded classrooms and shrinking budgets, our nation’s public schools are hampered enough,” said NEA Assistant Director Lila Van Persie. “This bill would worsen the situation as every female teacher would be constantly be out on maternity leave.”

Rep. Estep, however, said he considered that, which is why the bill is unisex.

“It doesn’t discriminate,” he said. “Both men and women teachers will have to bear children. We figured that way even liberal NEA types would support it.”

“That’s… impossible!” Van Persie replied.

“Hypocrite,” Estep answered.

U.S. Department of Education spokeswoman Ella Toofee, meanwhile, called the bill outrageous and said she will not stand for it.

“No, you shouldn’t stand for it,” Rep. Clyne agreed. “You’d have to lie down. There’s a whole procedure involved when you give birth. As an educator you should probably know that.”

Clyne added that Toofee might want to take a middle school health class.

“That’s where my son learned about sex and childbirth and all that,” he explained. “Made my life easier. Except when he got that girl pregnant.”

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