PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) — North Korea on Thursday launched what appears to be a new type of disintegrating missile that officials warn could pose a significant threat to any nation other than the one it’s pointed at.
According to South Korean and Japanese observers, the long-range Unha-3 rocket flew for less than a minute late Thursday before breaking into pieces, purposely scattering wreckage over where it wasn’t supposed to go: the Korean peninsula and Yellow Sea. While no injuries were reported, the White House nonetheless reacted angrily to the provocation.
“North Korea’s aggressive action threatens regional security, violates international law, and is a direct menace to anyone standing underneath one of those missiles when it falls apart,” the statement said. “Any nation unfortunate enough to be, not the direct target, but somewhere vaguely in or near or possibly opposite the path of that direct target, runs the risk of head injuries, property damage, and at the very least extensive cleanup costs.”
Asian and Western analysts say they cannot be sure what the rocket – now the third of its kind to fail — is made of, but based on results they are guessing it is some combination of cardboard, duct tape and tin foil set atop a used lawnmower engine.
“But that’s only for now,” said Japanese Defense Minister Naoki Tanaka.. “Imagine for instance a missile made entirely out of those ubiquitous plastic grocery sacks. Think of the fallout. Those bags can last for thousands of years longer than uranium.”
After an initial silence, Pyongyang confirmed Western anxiety in a defiant and ominous statement.
“With today’s majestic rocket launch, our Great Fearless Leader Kim Jong Un, with his eyes that can see a million miles and jowls that can hide a thousand suns, reminds our enemies of the words of Nikita Kruschev, who once warned the West, ‘We will bury you!’ Today Kim Jong Un goes one step further and declares, ‘We will bury you… in trash!’”
“Eventually,” the statement added. “And by ‘you’ we mean not necessarily you, but anyone in the vicinity of you.”
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