WASHINGTON (SatireWire.com) – The administration today backed off a requirement that religious employers provide birth control coverage after conceding the entire rule was actually written in a government attempt to hook up with a particularly hot 23-year-old Catholic nurse in Cleveland.
The rule called for religious organizations to include contraceptive coverage for all employees, but officials said they were mostly concerned with just the one. Identified as “Julie,” the young, single nurse works nights and every other weekend in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit of Sacred Heart Hospital, and is described in government documents as, “a cute, cheerful brunette with big brown eyes and a smile that just, like, wow.”
A government cost-effect analysis of the mandate estimated that providing free birth control pills to workers would lower the number of unwanted pregnancies, and providing free birth control pills to Julie would lower her objections to sex. It would also lighten her financial burden, thereby allowing her to work less and be free next Saturday night. Ideally, if things worked out, the date would conclude at her place, at which point, “Hey, you never know,” the analysis concluded.
The requirement, however, raised the ire of Catholic Church officials, who said it violated their moral values and infringed religious liberty. In a compromise reached Friday, the administration said it would require insurers, and not Catholic employers, to provide access to contraceptives. However, officials pointed out they remain committed to the health and welfare of all American women.
“But particularly Julie,” the Department of Health and Human Services said in a press release. “Seriously. Call us. We will totally pay for your birth control pills. Think of us as friends with (health care) benefits.”
Should things go well, the HHS dismissed the potential use of a condom, explaining “if there’s one thing the American people don’t want, it’s another layer of government. Also it doesn’t feel natural.”
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