WASHINGTON (SatireWire.com) – With yet another flawed front-runner taking the lead in a GOP campaign seemingly bent on self-destruction, President Obama today privately told friends he is starting to think the Republicans aren’t even trying.
“Seriously, this is not even funny anymore,” an upset President reportedly told aides. “Look at what they’ve come up with so far: the world’s wealthiest robot, a number stutterer in a pimp hat, a serial abandoner with an anger fetish, a paranoid orange billionaire, a George W. sound-alike who can’t count to three, a homophobic pork-barrel Catholic on steroids, and a crazy woman whose eyes are so scary that when she talks to God, even He can’t look at her.
“They’re not nominating someone for ‘Creepiest Kid in School’ or ‘Circus Freak of the Week,’” the distraught President went on. “They’re nominating someone to run against the President of the United States. Even if you don’t like me, respect the office. Respect the process. At least try.”
Publicly, the White House insists the President is focused on the economy and paying little heed to the GOP primaries. Privately, however, sources concede Obama is considering an executive order that would require Republicans to at least appear to care.
“Not only is one of their ‘strongest’ candidates named Newt – Newt! – but he wants to start a moon base?” Obama is said to have complained yesterday. “He wants it to be our 51st state? I mean come the fuck on. That is just phoning it in. That is not taking this seriously at all.”
Earlier in the week, after Republican Rick Santorum won three state contests, Obama reportedly shut himself in the Oval Office bathroom.
“He had just Google’d the word ‘Santorum’ and saw the first result, you know, the one that defines ‘Santorum’ as a by-product of anal sex,” the source said. “The President was pretty upset. He threatened to start a Super Pac for (Republican) Chris Christie.”
Of course, political parties have fielded weak candidates before, even joke ones: ditzy actress Gracie Allen in 1940, comedian Pat Paulsen starting in 1968, Mass. Gov. Michael Dukakis in 1988. But the President believes strongly that a federal election campaign should not be a joke, insiders say.
“I mean it, if one of these people gets the nod, forget it,” Obama told staffers. “I’ll be like, ‘Let’s have a debate at a university’ and they’ll be like, ‘No let’s have a debate at an evangelical pizza casino moderated by a horny salamander who recites Bible verses calling for the destruction of Uzbekibekibekistan while we stand in vats of amniotic fluid crying for the unborn and rubbing our bodies with clean, affordable coal.’ I’m serious. They just don’t care.”
Sources say the President has also not ruled out the possibility that he is being Punk’d.
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