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JFK DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE: REPORT

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — According to a new report, there were thousands — and possibly millions – of young women in the United States that President John F. Kennedy did not have sex with.

In Berlin, President Kennedy gives his famous speech, "Ich bin ein zimmer 512" ("I am in room 512"). The red circles identify women who claim not to have slept with him.

The report, entitled, “The President Who Camelot,” was released on the heels of new allegations over a Kennedy tryst with an intern from 1961-1963, and shoots down the common belief that JFK had sex several thousand times a day.

“President Kennedy was in office for 1,036 days, and during that time there were about 18 million women in the U.S. between the ages of 18 and 24,” said the study’s co-author, Annette Ballerstrom, a professor of physics at the University of California-San Francisco. “For him to have slept with all 18 million of them, he would have had to have sex 17,324 times a day. Even conceding JFK took part in threesomes, that’s just ridiculous.

“We believe 6,000 times a day is the maximum,” she added. “So that’s, like, 6.2 million, tops.”

The UCSF study concedes that Kennedy did have affairs with everyone from staffers and reporters to mob girls and movie stars. But it refutes “mythical” tales of the President’s prowess, including a claim by the entire sophomore class of Georgetown University that they had sex with JFK on a 10-minute limousine ride from Dupont Circle to the White House.

“I was a member of that class, and I wasn’t invited,” Ballerstrom said. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ballerstrom’s report is supported by anecdotal evidence collected in a new book by former Kennedy intern Callie Ann Duprey, entitled, “What? Am I the Only One Here Who Hasn’t Done the Old Man?” Duprey, who at age 18 worked in the White House, said JFK never made a move on her, and insisted she wasn’t alone.

“There were actually five or six of us, interns and low-level staffers, who were never ‘commanded by the chief,’ as we called it,” said Duprey. “We actually tried to start a support group, but it was really hard to find new members.”

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