PHOENIX, AZ (SatireWire.com) – Here is the complete transcript of the tarmac tiff between President Obama and Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, whose clear disregard for one another boiled over during a heated and heretofore confidential meeting Wednesday as the President stepped off of Air Force One.
Other than Brewer’s initial greeting of, “We kept the sun up for you,” neither side has verified this conversation as accurate. Professional lip-readers who provided the transcript conceded it was difficult to understand the participants as they insisted on smiling throughout.
BREWER: Welcome to Arizona, Mr. President.
OBAMA: Thank you Governor. Delighted to be here.
BREWER: We kept the sun up for you! That’s probably a surprise, since you think the sun shines out of your a..
OBAMA: That was very thoughtful, Governorl! But I hear you keep it on 24 hours here, to search for illegals.
BREWER: Oh now Mr. President, you’re not worried about being caught, are you?
OBAMA: On the contrary, Governor, I’m worried all this sun will brown your skin. You might have to arrest yourself.
BREWER: Ooo, maybe I could go to the same jail your uncle was in! Sir.
OBAMA: Ha ha. Keep smiling for the cameras, Governor. You wouldn’t want people to think you’re a disrespectful skank.
BREWER: Ha ha. I am smiling Mr. President. I know you Communists are big on fake presentation.
OBAMA: So I see you have a letter for me. Or is it my deportation papers?
BREWER: Oh you’ve guessed. Sad face.
OBAMA: Well at least that’ll get me away from you sooner, Governor. We must always look on the bright side, right?
BREWER: Ha ha. Of course you’re welcome to go home any time, Mr. President. Shall I point you toward Kenya?
OBAMA: Oh my dear Governor Brewer, you’d miss me when I’m gone. How about I send Seal Team 6 to your house to keep you company?
BREWER: You are such a charmer, Mr. President! But we digress. Here’s the letter. It’s an invitation to tour the border with me and to sit down and talk about how we’re doing here in Arizona. And the first letter of each paragraph spells out ‘Fuck you.’
OBAMA: I’ll certainly consider that, Governor. And here I thought the only four-letter word you were comfortable with was ‘Nazi.
BREWER: That’s funny, Mr. President, I thought the only four-letter word you were familiar with abusing was ‘Hope.’
OBAMA: Ha ha ha my dear Madame Governutjob.
BREWER: Ha ha ha indeed Mr. Presidouchebag.
OBAMA: While I pretend to laugh, Governor, let me say I’d be happy to meet with you, but you know the last time we met, you wrote about it in your book and were not very cordial.
BREWER: Mr. President, I must say I’m surprised you read my book, since it isn’t entirely about you.
OBAMA: And imagine my surprise to learn you can write, Governor. First a book, then a letter! Arizona truly is the ‘Land of Enchantment.’
BREWER: That’s New Mexico.
OBAMA: I know, Governor. I just wanted to make you say ‘Mexico’ so I could see your face shrivel up. While I continue to smile.
BREWER: Oh Mr. President, I wish you could visit our southern neighbor. But gosh, you don’t have a real birth certificate to get back in! Damn the luck, sir.
OBAMA: Actually Governor, I think what we really need is a bigger border fence. Around the whole state. To keep you from getting out of Arizona.
BREWER: Good idea, Mr. President, then you’d finally create some jobs.
OBAMA: Oh Governor, at times like this I wish my job was dog catcher ’cause I see a bitch needs puttin’ down.
BREWER: Ha ha. Yes well I… hey, don’t walk off! … How rude.
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