BOSTON (SatireWire.com) – Tired of living in quarterback Tim Tebow’s shadow, Jesus Christ left the Denver Broncos today and signed as a free agent with the New England Patriots, who will face Denver in an intriguing AFC playoff game on Saturday.
New England denied they signed Jesus specifically to counter Tebow, insisting their starting free safety, Patrick Chung, was inexplicably raptured late Sunday. Moments later, Christ appeared with His agent at the Patriots’ training facility and offered to fill the defensive role. Previously, Jesus had backed Tebow during the Broncos’ miraculous run to the playoffs, including an overtime victory Sunday against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Christ Himself said he enjoyed his time with Denver, but felt He needed to make a move.
“I’m getting on, and at this stage of my career I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to start with a title contender,” said Jesus, who will wear the number 1 jersey. “I may be the King of Kings, but I need the ring of rings, baby. Jesus needs a Super Bowl ring.”
In a calmer moment, Christ added that compassion was another motive.
“When the Broncos offense needed help, I was there for them,” he said. “But have you seen the Patriots’ defense? Twenty-one points to the Bills in the first half? Mary Magdelene can defend better than that. So now I’m spreading the love.”
“And spreading my fingers, to make room for the ring,” He added. “Yeah, big ring. I’m thinkin’ I’m a size Infinite.”
At 5’6” and 140 lbs., Christ will be the league’s smallest player, but Patriots head coach Bill Belichick believes what He lacks in speed, size, and agility, he makes up for in omnipotence.
“We’ve signed him as a free safety, but Jesus has the ability to play anywhere – in the nickel package, the dime, down in the 3-4 or back in cover 2,” said Belichick. “He really gives us a lot of options. Because of the omnipotence. You can’t teach that.”
The Broncos sent a written complaint to the league office, arguing the signing was too late, but the messenger was mysteriously raptured before he could deliver the documents.
Christ, meanwhile, said He was looking forward to the matchup with Tebow. And though above all living things, He was not above a little trash talking.
“Tim’s spirit is willing, but his passes are weak,” said Jesus. “Seriously, somebody should sit Shiva for them, they die so often.
“Tell you what else – if Tebow throws up one of his Hail Marys, you don’t have to be a genius to figure out who’s gonna win that battle. No way he’s gonna Passover me. Get it? Pass-over? Oh yeah, the Lord giveth, and the Lord geteth the takeaway.”
If Jesus does get an interception, it sets up a theological conundrum for Tebow. Will the faithful quarterback be willing to make a tackle?
“I pray that never comes up,” said Tebow. “But if it did happen, I think Jesus would understand that I was put on this Earth to play football, and that would include me having to tackle Him.”
Jesus, however, has a more nuanced view of their relationship.
“I love Tim Tebow. I am his Lord and Savior and through me he will know love and peace everlasting,” He said. “But if that kid so much as lays a finger on me I will go all Herod’s Temple on him, you know what I’m sayin’?
“That’s gonna be a sweet, sweet ring,” he added. “People they’ll come to me and be like, ‘Jesus, can I enter Heaven? I’ve been good.’ And I’ll be like, ‘Maybe you been good, but you ain’t got one a these!’ Oh yeah. Some bling for da King.”
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