NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – In a compromise to break government deadlock, the nation’s wealthiest 1 percent today agreed to allow their taxes to rise in exchange for the other 99 percent.
The bargain, worked out last night during an invitation-only teleconference among America’s richest households, calls for the wealthiest 1 percent to let Congress increase the top tax rate in return for giving them full control of the other 99 percent. When asked if they wanted the other 99 percent of the wealth, or the other 99 percent of the population, 1 percent spokesman T. Geoffrey Diamond answered, “Alright.”
Middle-class advocates immediately assailed the plan, saying it would destroy the American way of life.
“This agreement would be the beginning of the end,” said consumer advocate Helen Warren. “Our income will go to them. Our mortgages and rents will go to them. They’ll decide where our investments go. We’ll even have to serve in their armies and carry out their whims, doing whatever they tell us.”
Responded Diamond: “And this will be different from today… how?”
AFL-CIO Union president Richard Trumka, meanwhile, argued the nation will recover more quickly if the fortunes of the 1 percent are spread equally among the other 99 percent. However, Diamond said they considered spreading the wealth, but decided it was too risky.
“The truth is, we’re quite used to having money, so it won’t be as big a transition for us to just have all of it,” he said. “I mean think it through. You’d probably just go and spend it on cheap beer and prostitutes. Or Big Macs. Or Disney cruises.”
“Oh, and your adorable public schools, of course,” he added.
Congress has been deadlocked over President Obama’s proposal to increase taxes on the wealthiest Americans, with Republicans rigidly against the idea. The deal clears the way for government to get back to serving the American people, who in turn will serve the top 1 percent.
“You will work for us, and live on our properties, and we will give you an allowance – minus rents and taxes,” Diamond explained. “You’ll still have spending money for clothes and food and t-shirts with vulgar phrases on them. But not too much money. You still won’t be able to pay for college.
“Oh, that’s a place you go after high school to improve your education,” he added. “I think you refer to it as ‘financial aid.’”
While the 1 percent expect the transfer of wealth to be seamless, given that they already control more than 40 percent of the nation’s finances, they did say there would be a few minor changes. Specifically, the 1 percent shall:
- Be exempt from any local zoning laws that prohibit moats.
- Receive exclusive hunting rights in all national, state, and local forests.
- Refer to the other 99 percent as tradesmen, merchants, vassals, yeomen, peasants and common criminals, but only in a conversational, inoffensive way.
- Demand that all able-bodied men and women in their service practice archery and the broadsword as a means to defend their masters’ estates.
- Introduce a new and proper national sport: jousting.
- Wile away their hours and days in the discussion of falconry.
- Weekly impose a 20 percent tithe on all money, crops, goods, and services from those living on their estates.
- Send to prison any who fail to pay this tithe. Unless their daughter be comely. Then perchance a deal may be worked out.
- Not have to dress themselves.
Diamond said these changes will take effect gradually, and that eventually most Americans will be thankful.
“What’s that old phrase, ‘Give people a hand up, not a hand out’?” he said. “That’s what we’re doing. We’re giving you a hand up. I would suggest you grasp it. And if there is a ring on it, it would be wise to kiss it.”
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