HOUSTON, TX (SatireWire.com) – Penn State and Syracuse will face each other in the inaugural BP-Herman Cain-Blackberry-Catholic Church Denial Bowl on Christmas morning, school officials announced today.
While the game itself pits two traditionally strong and blameless athletic programs against one another, the highlight of the event may be the start-studded halftime show, headlined by the Pope, former Gov. Rod Blagojevich, Syrian President Bashar al Asaad, the cast of The Green Lantern, and the 535 members of the United States Congress, who will march onto the field and, with a crowd of 60,000 looking on expectantly, do something useful.
The Denial Bowl will be played on the morning of Dec. 25, which game officials insist is an ideal slot as no one else is playing football that morning. It will be held in the legendary “8th Wonder of the World,” the Houston Astrodome, which though crumbling and unused since 2008, was recently given a clean bill of health by inspectors from the Fukushima nuclear power plant, said Denial Bowl chairman and former congressman Anthony Weiner.
Despite being in its first year, bowl officials expect to sell-out the 60,000-seat stadium as they are marketing the game to abstinence-only advocates, men with receding hairlines, trickle-down economists, optimistic Chicago Cubs fans, the parents of obese children, creationists, Ron Paul supporters, the 14 percent of Americans who, in a recent poll, said the U.S. economy is in good shape, and white people who say they “get” jazz.
Sponsors include Research in Motion, makers of the Blackberry phone, which plans to introduce its latest model to fans at halftime in the genuine expectation people will buy them; and BP, which plans to accidentally infuse Coca-Cola sold at the stadium with oil, then explain to gagging customers that the only antidote is to drink more oil.
Herman Cain and the Catholic Church are non-paying sponsors, but were added for their character and positive influence, respectively.
In a first for college football, the game will not have referees, as Weiner explained the coaches will make sure their staff and players do nothing wrong, “as you’d expect from responsible, upstanding academic institutions.”
Pre-game festivities include a debate between commissioners of college football’s BCS system, who will all agree that the BCS method for picking a national champion is exceptional. The national anthem will be sung by former FEMA head Michael “Heck of Job Brownie” Brown. The pre-game prayer will be given by Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who honestly has no idea why.
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