LONDON (SatireWire.com) — An unsettling new study by the London School of Economics projects that 81 percent of our children’s children will not only suffer for our inadequacies, but will look back on this generation and hate its fucking guts.
“Obviously, the natural tendency is to hope that future generations will understand that what we did, know that we did it for them, and thank us for it,” said LSE Prof. Alan Karr. “However, if you consider how we are handling religious tolerance, climate change, weapons proliferation, and economic disparity, there is an eight in 10 chance that our children’s children will wish to God they could have been here to beat us senseless with some type of heavy piping.
“Or anything they might have at hand, really,” Karr added. “Rubbish bins, old clocks, meat hooks, pieces of wood.”
Karr also said between 42 percent and 59 percent our children’s children would enjoy striking us with, “tire irons attached to broken bottles, as well as unused skis, bronzed baby shoes, street signs, barbed wire of gauge 10mm or thicker, most types of rock excepting shale, table lamps, cricket bats, antique telephones, garden gnomes, coffee tables, statuary, brass or woodwind instruments, crockery, computer keyboards, golf clubs, copper weather vanes, bricks and/or other masonry materials, and any large, hard-cover history books with our pictures in them.”
Fortunately, noted Karr’s colleague, Prof. Janet Dormley, most of us won’t be around, meaning our descendants will never get the satisfaction of kicking us for sustained periods in sensitive areas, particularly the genitals, as would be preferred by an estimated 69 percent. If they could, ironically, she said they might never have been born, which 78 percent of them would have preferred.
In another interesting note, Dormley said geography made no difference in the study’s findings.
“Almost anywhere you look, Africa and Asia, India and the Middle East, South and North America, people are doing things today that will cause future generations to spit on the graves of their ancestors,” she said. “After digging them up, putting a spike through their nostrils, and, in 52 percent of cases, reburying them in fetid cement.”
However, researcher Kevin Cranlin cautioned that the study is only a statistical projection of a likely outcome. “There is a 15 percent chance things could change,” he said. “We could decide not to kill each other because of our religion, or we could decide not to allow poor nations to slip so far into despair that they implode. We could make the difficult choices and sacrifices right now that will save our descendants from a life of despair.
“But statistically there’s a better chance that future generations will develop time travel and come back to kick our asses up and down the street until we cry for the mercy we never showed them,” he said.
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