WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Angered that a movie about the death of Osama bin Laden will debut just before the 2012 election, Republicans today said they will release a rebuttal film that “accurately portrays” how the terrorist leader was killed by low taxes, conservative values, and a Navy SEAL team comprised of Michelle Bachmann’s 23 adopted children.
According to filmmakers, the GOP movie will reveal that Obama’s plan for the attack – little more than crashing a helicopter on bin Laden – was rejected by the Pentagon, which instead followed a strategy laid out by Republican leaders, who received the plan directly from God after an all-night prayer vigil.
Although the entire cast has not been set, bin Laden will be portrayed by Pakistani-American actor Faran Tahir, who played the merciless terrorist Raza in the film “Iron Man.” Tahir will also take on the dual role of President Obama, which producers said was done solely due to budget constraints, and apologized ahead of time for any confusion resulting from the two characters, “being so incredibly similar.”
The producers, Andrew Breitbart and James O’Keefe, provided a synopsis during a press conference this morning:
“We start off showing how Obama is totally out of touch,” Breitbart said. “First of all, any SEAL that wants in on the raid has to donate $1,000 to Obama’s re-election fund. That leads to a really heart-wrenching scene where this proud-but-poor SEAL pleads with Obama, saying, ‘Please don’t make me choose between feeding my family and defending America,’ and the President is really frustrated and says, ‘Fine, but you’ll have to work the phones in New Hampshire.’
“So, Obama’s plan – his entire plan — is to send in a helicopter and crash it into bin Laden. It’s unbelievable. And because Obama cut the defense budget to make America less secure, the chopper doesn’t even have rotors, so naturally it crashes. Which as you know is exactly what happened.”
O’Keefe then picks up the story thread: “The Pentagon is horrified by the plan, but every time Gen. Petraeus complains, Obama puts a cigarette out in his eye. So just after the ‘raid’ starts, the generals turn to Republican leaders in Congress, who of course are not at all surprised things are going bad. They tell the generals not to fear and immediately initiate a ‘Code Red, White, and Blue.’ What that means is, a special signal is sent out to the Republican Rapid Prayer and Response team, via their flag lapel pins, and the team gathers in a secured underground Action Chapel, donated by America’s patriotic oil and gas companies, and they have an emergency prayer vigil, during which God, played by Ronald Reagan (done with special effects), delivers a plan directly to the leader of the Prayer and Response Team, who also happens to be the Republican nominee for President in 2012.
The name of that American hero will not be revealed until after the Republican National Convention “for security purposes,” O’Keefe said.
He then continued: “The team draws up a plan for Navy SEALS to attack, but most of the SEALS are busy working as waiters at – get this – an Obama fundraiser in France, and the President refuses to give them time off. So Michelle Bachmann’s 23 children all volunteer to sacrifice their lives for America, because that’s how they were raised, and after some intense combat training from Sarah Palin, who dresses live grizzlies as al Qaeda terrorists, Bachmann’s kids as well as a dozen SEALS and a dozen Republican patriots, who also happen to be the current field of GOP presidential candidates, board the choppers.”
“There’s a very inspiring scene aboard one helicopter,” said Breitbart. “Rick Santorum blackens everyone’s face using clean coal from a Pennsylvania mine while Newt Gingrich delivers a speech about the importance of commitment. Then one of Bachmann’s older daughters goes into labor and Ron Paul delivers the baby in mid-air, after which Gov. Rick Perry leads them all in a prayer and Herman Cain gives everyone free pizza.”
Mitt Romney doesn’t actually say anything during the scene, said Breitbart, “but he looks great.”
Back in the situation room at the White House, Obama is having a fit, said O’Keefe, whining that nobody is listening to him.
“His behavior is embarrassing,” the producer said. “During the attack, every time one of the SEALs comes up against a terrorist, Obama grabs the microphone and shouts, ‘Compromise with him! Compromise with him!’”
The GOP warriors refuse to compromise and eventually come face to face with the world’s most wanted man.
“This is the part where America will learn the truth,” said Breitbart, boasting that it would be the second time he had told the truth in the past year. “The Republican heroes barge into a bedroom where they find bin Laden wearing an ‘Obama 2012’ button and surrounded by union leaders and Hollywood liberals who are torturing a kitten that has the words ‘Job Creator’ painted across its back.
“The heroes aim their weapons, and bin Laden drops to his knees and utters his final words: ‘My dreams of destroying America by raising taxes, bankrupting small business, and converting everyone to Islam is at an end! Barack I have failed you!’”
In response, Palin screams, “We’ve had enough of your gotcha terrorism!” and all the Republican candidates unload their cartridges into the al Qaeda leader.
The film closes poignantly as two tired but victorious SEALS ride in silence toward a waiting aircraft carrier. As the sun rises over the horizon, one warrior turns to his comrade. “You know,’ he says, ‘if just one of us was gay, this mission would have failed.’”
This film is rated ‘USA’ for justifiable violence, stirring language, and extreme patriotism.
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