WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a deal that left neither side entirely happy, Congress today voted to save the baby it had earlier thrown out the window.
President Obama quickly signed the bill authorizing the rescue of the baby, which was due to hit the ground today. The bipartisan legislation came after a rancorous and politically charged debate among opponents from both sides of the aisle. Democrats on the far left wanted to jump out the window to save the baby, while Republicans on the far right wanted the baby to save itself.
Eventually, the bipartisan compromise passed the House 269-161, while the Senate supported saving the child 74-26. Had an agreement not been reached, experts said the consequences for the baby could have been catastrophic.
But some Tea Party Republicans said that was only a theory.
“If we let the baby hit the ground, I doubt it would have been as bad as everyone thinks,” said Sen. Marco Rubio, (R-FL), who voted against the bill. “It might be a tougher and more resilient baby in the end. Or if not, worse-case scenario, we start over. Get another baby.”
Liberal Democrats, meanwhile, urged Congress to support the baby on its way down. “The best way to do this would be to throw money at it,” said Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, (D-MO). “Some of the money may stick to the baby and cushion its landing.”
Ohio Democratic Rep. Dennis Kucinich went one step further, arguing that Congress itself should jump out the window. “It is pure insanity that we stand here posturing and scoring political points while outside the baby is falling. Congress needs to show some guts. We should all jump out the window to save the baby.
“I’ll be OK, because I’m pretty sure I can fly,” he added.
Even with the rescue, some worry that America’s reputation may have already been damaged by the spectacle. “We don’t know what the baby thinks, but the rest of the world is concerned that the American government is maybe not entirely sane,” said Royal Bank of Canada analyst Richard Sterles. The U.S. public seems to agree. In a CNN/Gallup poll, 77 percent of Americans said they wanted Congress to save the baby “no matter what,” while 98 percent said they believe Congress should not be throwing babies out of windows.
In fact, throwing a baby out a window is not Constitutionally mandated, but was put into law by Congress in 1917 to put a check on President Woodrow Wilson, who liked babies.
Over its history, Congress has voted to save a baby it threw out the window 74 times. This year, with far-right conservatives gaining power, the vote came dangerously close to failing, and crisis was averted none too soon.
Moments after signing the bill, Obama sprinted out of the White House, down Pennsylvania Avenue, and threw himself under the baby just in time. He then handed the baby over to Congressional leaders, asking them to please be more careful next time. And there will be a next time.
As part of the bill to save the baby, Congress included a provision to throw the baby out the window again in six months.
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