WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a move to rekindle the nation’s economic spirit while acknowledging its all-you-can-eat nature, the White House today announced the American Dream will now include dessert.
The administration hopes that adding a food component to the long-held national ideal will give disenchanted Americans an incentive to once again strive for success.
“I know that some people believe the American Dream is no longer attainable, that things are so bad they see no reason to even put forth the effort,” said President Barack Obama. “To those people I say this: ‘What if we throw in dessert?’”
Definitions of the American Dream vary, but at its core it’s the idea that no matter where you come from, hard work and dedication will lead to success. However, the debt crisis, unemployment, and falling economic numbers have made that a hard-sell. On the other hand, one thing on the rise is the nation’s weight. Nearly seven in 10 Americans are overweight, and a study released last week showed a record number are obese.
Combining Americans’ hunger for success with their hunger for excess is clearly pandering, but even Republicans concede the President is on to something.
“Let’s say someone asks you, ‘What is the American Dream?’” said New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. “There is a huge difference between answering, ‘It’s the idea that anyone can succeed’ and answering, ‘It’s the idea that anyone can succeed, stuffed inside a puffed pastry and drizzled with honey and shaved almonds.’
“I mean c’mon, who could resist that?”
GOP House Speaker John Boehner said dessert would act as an incentive to help people accept the pain of looming tax hikes and benefit cuts.
“It’s basically a carrot and stick approach,” Boehner said. “Except Americans don’t want carrots. They want cupcakes and fudge bars and tiramisu and fried Oreos.”
So far, the President’s only real opposition appears to be his wife, First Lady Michelle Obama, whose ‘Let’s Move’ campaign aims to fight obesity.
“The American Dream is sacrosanct and should not to be trifled with,” Mrs. Obama reportedly told her husband.
“Mmm… trifle,” the President replied.
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