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Tuesday January 23rd 2018    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

COURT REJECTS VID GAME BAN, LAUNCHES ‘CHAMBERS OF DEATH’

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The Supreme Court Monday rejected a ban on violent video games, calling it a coincidence that the court simultaneously released Jurisprudence II: Chambers of Death, a role-playing, first-person shooter starring the nine justices.

MegaChief Justice fights the Constitution-swalling Boa Constrictionist

In its 7-2 decision, the court overturned a California law banning the sale of violent video games to minors, declaring there was no “long-standing tradition in this country of specially restricting children’s access to depictions of violence.”

If there were, wrote Justice Antonin Scalia, the high court’s new games division, Punitive Damage, “would not have released Jurisprudence II: Chambers of Death for Xbox, PlayStation and Wii, available at leading retailers for $39.95. Rated M for Mature.”

The California law prohibited the sale of any violent game that reasonable people would consider “patently offensive” under prevailing community standards for minors. Chief Justice John Roberts, voting with the majority, argued that young people’s access to even the most brutal, life-like and exhilarating onscreen mayhem, such as Chambers of Death, is protected by freedom of speech.

In particular, Roberts said, the California ban was too vague as it used terms such as “deviant” and “morbid” to define prohibited games.

“After all, what is ‘deviant,’ what is ‘morbid?’” Roberts asked. “Is it ‘deviant’ that in Jurisprudence II’s Roe v. Wade ultralevel, the players have to fight innocent zombie virgins and gun-toting fetuses? Is it ‘morbid’ that MegaChief Justice, the Chambers of Death protagonist, must dismember the spectators in the gallery by the end of oral arguments, which he does by switching his nanorobes to invisibility mode and wielding his six-bladed sword of justice? But beware the evil Primogeniture, his bloodthirsty henchwoman Casus Belli, and their pet Boa Constrictionist!”

“They will stop at nothing to shred the Constitution,” added Justice Stephen Breyer. “And your face.”

Proponents of the law said they were disappointed by the court’s decision, believing the government has a duty to protect minors from anything inappropriate. The high court, however, said that safeguarding values is a parental responsibility.

“The court believes, and case law confirms, that a community should set its own standards,” said Justice Samuel Alito. “For instance, the gamer community agrees that Punitive Damage’s newest release, Jurisprudence II: Chambers of Death, sets a very high standard for cinematic graphics and robust gameplay.”

“Rated five stars by GamePro, 93 by metacritic, and a most excellent 9.5 at GameSpot.com,” added Justice Sonia Sotomayor.

Having cleared its docket, the high court is now adjourned for the summer, which it plans to spend in the basement playing Jurisprudence II: Chambers of Death.

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