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NOAH APOLOGIZES, SAYS ANTI-GAY REMARK WAS TOTALLY GAY

CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) — In an in-depth interview on ESPN, Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah apologized again for making an anti-gay remark to a fan during a recent playoff game, saying his words were stupid and totally gay.

“It was a heat-of-the-moment thing and it’s not who I am or what I’m about,” said Noah, who was fined $50,000 for the slur. “It was just stupid and totally gay, and I won’t do it again.

Chicago Bulls star Joakim Noah

Update 10:23 a.m.

NOAH FINED FOR NEWEST SLUR

NEW YORK — Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah, fined $50,000 for an anti-gay slur made Sunday, was hit with an additional $200,000 fine for an interview today in which he said making the initial comment was “stupid and totally gay.”

In a press conference afterward, Noah said he would pay the penalty for the good of the team, but added NBA Commissioner David Stern was not making sense.

“I don’t get it,” said Noah. “I wasn’t insulting anyone else, I was insulting me. Seriously, is Stern some kind of retard or something?”

update 10:41 a.m.

NOAH FINED FOR MENTAL DISABILITY SLUR

NEW YORK — Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah, fined a total of $250,000 for a pair of anti-gay slurs, was hit with another quarter-million-dollar penalty today for using a derogatory term for the mentally disabled.

In a press conference, Noah said he now understood the issue and would accept the $500,000 in levies.

“The commissioner explained it to me, and I was wrong, so I’m gonna pay the whole thing and put and end to it,” he said. “I mean, half a mil is a lot of money, but I’m not going to try to Jew him down. I need to learn a lesson.”

update 11:22 a.m.

NOAH FINED FOR RACIAL SLUR

NEW YORK — Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah, fined a total of $500,000 for anti-gay, disabled, and racial slurs, was hit with a $2 million penalty after using an anti-Semitic term earlier today.

In a press conference after meeting with NBA Commissioner David Stern, Noah said he would pay the $2.5 million, and attempted to make light of the personal difficulties that could result.

“No question $2.5 mil is a lot of scratch,” he said. “Tell you what, if this keeps up Ima have to get a second job at the 7-Eleven. Maybe change my name to Mohammed or Praneeth or something.”

update 11:59 a.m.

NOAH SUSPENDED FOR ETHNIC SLUR

NEW YORK — Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah, fined a total of $2.5 million for a series of gay, racial, and ability-based slurs, was suspended for the remainder of the NBA playoffs today after publicly using a demeaning ethnic stereotype.

In a press conference after speaking with NBA Commissioner David Stern, a contrite Noah said he had learned his lesson and would no longer be speaking to the press.

“I can’t talk to you fellas anymore because every time I do I get in trouble,” said Noah. “It’s like I’m some sorta major spaz or something. Like Captain Spaztastic…”

“I did it again, didn’t I?” he added.

update 12:36 p.m.

NOAH SUSPENSION LENGTHENED AFTER EPILEPTIC SLUR

NEW YORK – The season-ending suspension of Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah will now extend into the first month of next season after he used a remark often used to belittle epilepsy sufferers earlier today.

Noah, who had already been fined by $2.5 million by the NBA for slurs against gays, the mentally disabled, as well as racial and ethnic groups, said Commissioner David Stern had encouraged him to start an NBA player initiative to reduce all forms of prejudice.

“I’m grateful Mr. Stern is allowing me this chance because prejudice is rampant in the NBA and everybody knows it,” said Noah. “It’s kinda like ‘Attention Wal-Mart shoppers: you’re fat!’ Everybody knows that’s true. We just don’t say it out… aw shit.”

update 1:45 p.m.

NOAH SUSPENDED FOR NEXT SEASON AFTER SIZEIST REMARK

NEW YORK – Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah will sit out the 2011-2012 NBA season after using a disparaging stereotype regarding overweight people earlier today.

Noah, already suspended and heavily fined for using a variety of slurs, said he was horrified by his own remarks.

“Man I wish I could just forget everything I’ve ever said or done,” Noah told reporters. “Seriously, I need to get me some of that Alzheimer’s.”

update 2:25 p.m.

NOAH SUSPENDED FIVE YEARS AFTER ANTI-ELDERLY SLUR

NEW YORK – The career of Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah is in serious doubt today after he was suspended for an unprecedented five years for making anti-elderly comments on top of previously disparaging remarks about numerous other groups.

“Can I call myself a ‘gaytard?’ … No? … yeah, OK.”

update 2:54 p.m.

NOAH SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY

NEW YORK – Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah was suspended indefinitely by the NBA after a string of abusive remarks aimed at gays, racial, ethnic, the physically and mentally disabled, the elderly, and the overweight.

Speaking at his final press conference, a sheepish Noah said he was now in counseling and hoped to become a better person outside of the sport he once loved.

“My basketball career is over, but it’s not what matters most anymore,” said a stoic Noah. “Instead, all I want is for people to look back on my life and say, ‘Yes, he made mistakes, but at least he didn’t cry about it like a girl.’”

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