ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) — The Apocalypse missed a connection in Atlanta and failed to arrive on Saturday at 6 p.m. as originally scheduled. The Apocalypse apologizes for any inconvenience and will reschedule as soon as possible.
The Apocalypse’s full statement follows:
Sorry I’m late. I know some of you were counting on me. But seriously, I had a hell of a day. Starts this morning. I’m at home packing my stuff – just a carry-on as I refuse to pay $25 for a checked bag — when Mrs. Apocalypse comes in and says she doesn’t want me to go. Says she has a ‘bad feeling about today’ and I’m like, ‘Yeah, well, me too. I think that’s the point.’ But I convince her that I’ll be fine, (unlike everyone else right?), but she’s all weepy and has me wait and say goodbye to all the little Apocalypses, which I do. So I’m already late, and the cab is sitting there racking up the meter. Then I’m 10 miles from home when I realize I forgot my wallet, which I need because I’ve got one of those Clear passes, to ‘Fly through airport security.’ Love that thing. And yeah, I’m not on the no-fly list. Me off all people, right? Anyway, we’re halfway to the airport when we get in this massive traffic jam. Some jackass rear-ended an ambulance in the breakdown lane. Wasn’t me, if that’s what you’re thinking.
So I get to the airport and I’m literally running to the gate, which I admit may have frightened a few people unnecessarily. I mean, I’m kinda scary just at a canter. I get to the gate and look around and they’re not there. My work colleagues. You know, my Four Horsemen. Turns out they’re late. Why? Well, remember the ‘jackass’ who hit the ambulance? Yup. It was Conflict. Naturally. The others were with him. So I’m waiting and waiting but the airplane doors are going to close so I make one last call and it turns out Conflict got in an argument with the cops – yeah, I know, shocker — so now they’re going to the station. But because Famine is in the car the cops decide they suddenly need to go to the doughnut shop first. So I’m like ‘Fine, nevermind, I’ll do it myself,’ and War is like, ‘Hey no problem A-Poc, we’ll do this via GoToMeeting.’ (A-Poc is my nickname, by the way. I’m cool with it.) Anyway, I say no we’ll use Skype ‘cause they were just bought by Microsoft, and that’s more apocalyptic. I go in for that karmic stuff.
Right, onto the plane, and by the time I get to my row it turns out it’s a middle seat. Ugh, right? I’m kinda tall, so that’s an issue. And I’m a little infinite, if I’m honest. Just before we take off the flight attendant comes up to me and says, ‘I’m sorry but you’re too big for just one seat. You’ll have to deplane or buy an extra seat.’ Now I am pissed. Why did she let me on the plane if that’s a problem? To embarrass me in front of everyone? And naturally she’s a bit chunky herself. Which, yes, I proceed to point out. By asking if she’s pregnant. Via Arnold Schwarzenegger. Cause he likes ‘em big. And then these huge TSA guards show up with Tazers. Anyway, the bottom line is I pay extra because now I’m holding up the flight and I‘m running late. That’s it. That’s the only reason.
So things settle down and we back out of the gate and… sit on the tarmac for an hour. Thunderstorms. But I have a to-do list. Yeah, even me. One thing is to call Sirius/XM Radio customer service ‘cause my signal keeps going out. So I call and by the time we take off, an hour later, I have talked to exactly zero living people and am back to the welcome recording I started on! Tell you what, they won’t suffer during the Apocalypse. Because no one alive actually works there.
OK, so we take off, and the flight is OK except I’m sitting next to one of those white-knuckle guys who keeps saying, ‘I have a bad feeling about this,’ and I’m like, ‘No, that’s just me.’ Now we get to Atlanta and it turns out I missed my connection. Which you probably figured by now. And of course there’s a long line for the gate agent to rebook flights and I’m frustrated. So I cut in line and tell the agent I have to be somewhere by six and the guy behind me is like, ‘Hey buddy we all have to be somewhere by six’ and I’m like, ‘No, you won’t be anywhere by six!’ And I use my Apocalypse Voice. Which I shouldn’t but I was angry.
So the agent is looking up flights and it turns out the only way I can get out is on a puddle jumper. I hate those things. In my Orbitz preferences I specifically say I won’t fly on those. My wife thinks I’m being stupid, but it’s not about me. I just don’t want anybody else to die before my big day. That’s all. That’s the only reason.
So right now I’m in Atlanta and I can get a flight for late Sunday but I look at my calendar and no I can’t because I got the cable guy coming first thing Monday. Well, I say first thing. I don’t know actually because they say they’ll be there sometime between 8 a.m. and 1 p.m. Like I have time to sit around all day! And then the plumber is supposed to come. He said ‘Monday or Tuesday. Or Wednesday.’ So I can’t book a flight because you just know I’ll pick the wrong day and I will not pay a change fee for the flight. No way. And Friday is out because I have a doctor’s appointment. For my physical. I know I could do Thursday but that’s the day before my physical and if you wanna know I get kinda nervous about doctors and if I did my Apocalypse thing my head wouldn’t be in it. And I can’t reschedule the appointment because my internist books like a year ahead. And I can’t just skip it because I did that with my last two. I told you, I get nervous.
Right now looking at my schedule, and I really can’t see anything before June, and then we’ve got two weeks scheduled at Cape Cod with the kids. And I cannot change that. The wife would kill me. And those places book up in advance, too. At least the ones near the water. We’re not ON the water because my wife booked the place and it was called ‘Ocean View’ something and I’ve been to the Cape enough to know that’s probably not anywhere near the ocean. It might not even be on the Cape. Seriously, when I do show up, those places are the first to go.
But I’m not sure when that’ll be. I’m sorry about that. I know it doesn’t give you much time to plan and pass out leaflets and scare the sabbath out of each other. Maybe in the fall. Is that specific enough? Tentatively let’s say Fall 2011. In October. Columbus Day maybe. That was apocalyptic, for some people. I told you I’m into that karmic stuff. So I’ll drop in then. Six p.m. Or 5:30 if you own a ‘beach view’ motel on Cape Cod. Or work for the cable company.
All the best till then,
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