LONDON (SatireWire.com) — Animals across the world were laughing themselves sick today after world-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking conceded in an interview that there was no God, heaven, or afterlife for humans.
“Oh that is fuckin’ hilarious,” said a black-crowned night heron perched on its nest in southern Ohio. “All this time you believed you were soooooo special. That you were our masters. That you actually got to live after death. And it turns out you don’t? Oh man that is so sad it’s funny.”
In an interview with The Guardian newspaper, Hawking stated life on Earth exists by chance, not by the hand of the divine, adding he expected nothing after death.
“I regard the brain as a computer which will simply stop working when its components fail,” said the 69-year-old Nobel laureate. “There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.”
Following Hawking’s pronouncement, non-human species expressed a mixture of glee and anger over what they called the ‘leveling of the playing field.’ They started with the Bible.
“Let’s take a look at Genesis 1:26, shall we?” said a South American cockroach hiding in an unlit cupboard in Caracas. “Humans claim God gave them power over ‘the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and all the creatures of the ground.’ Well that’s fuckin’ convenient, isn’t it? And it’s something else too. What was it? Lemme think, lemme think… oh yeah. A lie!”
In London’s Holland Park, a group of gloating red squirrels discussed Hawking’s declaration as they basked in the sunshine and made rude gestures at passing pedestrians.
“What gets my gob is we’ve endured millennia of religious dogma – and isn’t that ironic, ‘dogma?’ Fuckin’ cruel, if you ask me – about animals being lower than humans, animals existing only to feed humans,” said one squirrel, who then turned to a pair of passing cyclists. “Hey humans, insecure much? Right I’m talking to you, mate! Bite my nuts!”
“I swear, next human who gets near me, I’m eating it,” the squirrel mumbled. “That’d be so fucking sweet.”
Animals showed particular disdain for Saint Thomas Aquinas and philosopher Rene Descartes, both of whom professed that only humans had souls that could enter heaven, while animals got nothing for their suffering.
“Aquinas était un morceau de merde,” said a Belgian silver rabbit resting near the Loire River in France. “Some of us animals, we knew. ‘There is no eternity, only mortality.’ Gerard the Red Deer said that way back in 1621. Just before Aquinas ate him. Fucker.”
“We’re going to dig him up and have a kickabout with his bones,” the rabbit said of Aquinas. “I can’t wait to see the look on his face. If he has a face.”
In a related note: immediately after his interview with The Guardian, Hawking lectured at the Google Zeitgeist 2011 conference in London, where attendants of the gala dinner feasted on roasted lamb, grilled lobsters, and filet mignon.
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