PARIS (SatireWire.com) — Sexual assault charges against IMF Chief and leading French presidential candidate Dominique Strauss-Kahn sent shockwaves across France today, where male politicians said they were ‘saddened and disgusted’ to learn that younger women might not always want to have extramarital sex with them.
“We are troubled by the charges against Dominique, and of course do not condone the behavior he is accused of,” said Andre Pirlois, a minister in the ruling UMF party. “But we are more troubled by the idea that a younger woman would say no. The French political system is built on marital infidelity. How can we prove our virility if we can’t always cheat?”
Strauss-Kahn, who at 62 is the head of the International Monetary Fund, pleaded innocent on Monday to seven counts of sexual assault on a 32-year-old maid at the Sofitel hotel in New York. Prior to his arrest, the married Strauss-Kahn was favored to take over the French presidency from Nicolas Sarkozy, which has led some conspiracy theorists to suspect a setup. Strauss-Kahn, they speculate, was trying to up his presidential bona fides by cheating on his wife with a woman 30 years his junior.
“Look at the previous four French presidents,” said French political commentator Nathalie Bevant. “Sarkozy got married to a much younger woman three months after divorcing his first wife. Jacques Chirac and Francois Mitterrand had numerous trysts with younger women. And Valery Giscard d’Estaing allegedly had an affair with Princess Diana. When he was old enough to be her dead grandfather.”
Strauss-Kahn, Bevant said, was likely trying to prove his political worth, but took it much too far. And worse, was not discreet about it. But Socialist Party leader Martine Aubry called these allegations “ridiculous.”
“Dominique Strauss-Kahn was already married three times and was so well known for his infidelity that the French press call him, ‘The Great Seducer,’” said Aubry. “He was therefore totally qualified to lead the French Republic in the manner to which the French people are accustomed.”
Strauss-Kahn’s legendary infidelity had in fact caused concern among presidential rivals, who feared they would fall behind in the polls. After the arrest, they took action to cement their own sexual faithlessness.
Alain Dumond-Baytien, the Communist party candidate, quickly issued a statement claiming he had, only the night before, had sex with three women and two men while his wife ate in the next room. Green Party challenger Jean-Louis Quivous upped the ante, releasing a videotape of the moments after he heard of the Strauss-Kahn case.
“I was at the Paris Zoo when I learned about it,” said Quivous. “As you can see, I immediately ordered candles and wine, and made love to three gazelles and an emu until early in the morning.
“It was entirely consensual,” he added. “In fact I have already told my wife that the emu and I are with egg.”
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