CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) — The Chicago Bulls took game one from the Miami Heat 103-82 on Sunday thanks to hot shooting from point guard Derrick Rose and crucial new tattoos picked up during a 3rd quarter timeout.
Tied at halftime at 48, Chicago owned the third quarter, outscoring the visitors 24-15 and taking a 72-63 lead thanks to Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau’s decision to allow the players to get tagged.
“Coach was saying we need to get open looks, and I’m like, ‘No coach, what we need is new ink,’” said Bulls forward Carlos Boozer. “I felt like I coulda got a hot hand if I had a snake or a phoenix on it.”
“We were playing good, but I agreed we needed something to offset Lebron James’ right arm sleeve and the new tac across Chris Bosh’s back,” Thibodeau said after the win. “Bosh’s got these giant Angel wings. Massive He was like eight hours in the chair for that. It’s so tight it really had our guys mesmerized.”
In the end, Thibodeau took an extra 20-second timeout, allowing seven players to get new ink, which included two dragons, a bear, three Celtic crosses, plus the names of two wives, seven children, and two probation officers.
The Heat players also got new tattoos but “left it too late,” conceded Miami head coach Erik Spoelstra. “We waited until there were up by 15,” he said. “By then they were kickin’ it into third and seriously grinding out some tribal. Some nights you just have to tip your tat to the better team.”
Boozer, second in the league in tats per game at 4.3, did not have a strong offensive night, but the grizzly bear tattoo on his left arm and his son’s names on his wrists offset the hot shooting of Bosh and the double images of Mike Bibby’s grandparents etched onto the point guard’s back.
But it was Derrick Rose who led Chicago to victory with 28 points, 6 assists, and 9 tattoos. As the clock wound down and Rose came off, the home crowd started chanting “MVEP! MVEP!” in recognition of Rose’s Most Valuable Engraved Player award.
Near the end, Chicago’s Taj Gibson sealed the victory by dunking over Dwyane Wade while simultaneously getting tattoos of both his wife and Cee Lo Green on his head. The arena went wild, but Heat players promised Gibson’s theatrics would be remembered.
“We don’t appreciate that ink your face stuff,” said James. “We’re gonna use that to inspire us in Game 2, come out with some real energy. And maybe some tats of our favorite elementary school teachers.”
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