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OIL EXECS WARN TAX HIKES WILL INCREASE COST OF SCREWING US

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Dragged before Congress, oil executives on Thursday denied that industry tax breaks are used to increase profits, saying they are instead used to screw us, which they described as a pre-profit fixed cost along with exploration, drilling, extraction, refinement, and shipment.

By eliminating tax breaks for the “big five” oil and gas companies, as Congress is proposing, industry would have to increase consumer prices to offset the added cost of screwing us, said Conoco Phillips chief executive James Mulva.

“In our business, before we can even think about profit, we have to get the resource out of the ground, we have to get it to the pump, and we have to screw you,” he said. “Just like an oil rig plays a major role in the extraction process, these tax breaks play a major role in the screw-you process.

“Taking that away is like saying we can’t use drills.”

In several heated exchanges, however, Democratic senators refused to be sidetracked.

“Look, we don’t want to get into your base costs here,” said Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY). “What we’re saying is, why do you need tax breaks when you are making record profits?”

Chevron chief executive John Watson was clearly angered by the insinuation.

“I know you want to make us out to be the bad guys by saying we only care about profits, but that just isn’t true,” Watson said. “This is simply a matter of screwing you.”

Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) then asked what percentage the screw-you charge accounted for in a gallon of gas.

“Senator, as you know, our expenses can vary widely. Oil for instance has increased $40 a barrel in the last year,” responded Exxon Mobil chief executive Rex Tillerson. “But because you asked, and because you’re a senator, I will reveal that the cost is somewhere between one and screw you.”

Republican Orrin Hatch of Utah sided with the energy firms, asking Tillerson to explain how the oil companies really have little choice but to screw us.

“It’s true our hands are tied. We have to answer to shareholders who expect us to screw you,” said Tillerson. “Thanks to mutual funds, millions of Americans are among those shareholders. So in the end, the American people are demanding the American people screw themselves.”

“Right. So either way, we’re screwed,” said Rockefeller.

“And in answer to the unasked question, that’s how I sleep at night,” replied Tillerson.

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